


Even The Stars Can Be Hollow (Krii7y)

by goodguymitch



Category: Banana Bus Squad
Genre: F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-25
Updated: 2018-11-25
Packaged: 2019-08-29 08:06:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 29
Words: 40,989
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16740235
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/goodguymitch/pseuds/goodguymitch
Summary: Despite the torment of bullies and a severe learning disability, seventeen-year-old Jaren Smith hasn't been through anything too overwhelming. In the midst of his senior year, Jaren's long-lost singing video is leaked to YouTube and the whole school notices a soft side of the brunette. Fortunately, with trusty best friend John by his side, he discovers other ways to outlive high school. Though John prefers wallowing in his recurrent blues, he encounters the outside world for Jaren and leads him to the way of delight. Helping Jaren gives John a sense of purpose, even when he himself doesn't feel the need to keep going.





	1. Rock bottom

Each year 1,497 students attend Elixir High, and only three wimpy boys suffer Cam's perpetual wrath.

I stomp my heels against the concrete, running away from the imminent doom I am about to face. Sometimes I would escape and the remainder of my day will go on like a breeze. Most times I would walk home with a shiner or two. Either way, outrunning Cam and his group of friends is positively the highlight of my day.

I make a sharp right turn into the empty teachers' lounge and harshly plant my back against the wall. I press the palm of my hand up against my chest as I struggled to catch my breath. It's quite a shock to know how seriously out of shape I am, considering I do run from bullies on the daily. I take a seat on the floor, sighing in sheer relief.

Thankfully, I escaped.

At the corner of my eye, I see someone bolt inside the room. Terrified for my life, I braced myself for the absolute worse. Opening my eyes, I realized it wasn't a threat. It was just Craig, fumbling his now broken glasses and falling to the floor. I shake my head in defeat.

"Did they catch up to you?" I asked kneeling to him. I gave him a hand and he allowed it. He squinted towards me.

"Kind of," He brushed off the dust from his storm trooper t-shirt and fixed himself up enough to maintain his dignity. I looked at the glasses, then him.

"Did Tyler do this to you?" I asked in regards to, not just the glasses, but the bloody lip as well. He pauses and looks down towards his shoes.

It's a long and complicated story.

To make things a tad simple, Craig and Tyler have some history. Once best friends, now complete and utter enemies.

Where did it all go wrong?

Every student at this school desires some sort of purpose. They can join a clique or even perform some insane stunt and endanger their life just to gain views on YouTube.

And then there's everyone else, the thirst of popularity. Everyone here is a zombie in this shithole.

The answer is pretty straightforward: If you join Cam's group, you're set for life and entirely invincible.

Long story short, Tyler, Mason, Toby, and Jay used to be a lot like us and chose popularity over their actual friends.

Craig shakes his head and sat against the wall.

"N-No, Tyler didn-can you just find me some tape?" He asked with frustration. I nodded and looked in every corner of the place. It's a teacher's lounge, why does tape have to be so scarce around here? Eventually, I found a roll near a desk and began taping Craig's demolished frames.

"Where's Ezra? Did he make it?" I asked and he nods. Ezra is and has always been the runtiest of our already runty group of friends. The difference is, he runs a lot faster than Craig and I. It's mind-boggling though an important survival tactic nonetheless.

"School's over, Smitty. He went home," He replied sarcastically.

"Good to know he missed the race," I handed him his semi-repaired glasses. I rolled my eyes and grabbed my stuff.

"Thanks, man,"

"Any time," I walked towards the main doors.

"Where are you going? My mom wants to make you dinner tonight," He said, pointing towards the back exit. I looked down.

"I'm...busy," I reply in a moderately shameful way. Craig places a hand on my shoulder.

"Is it John again?"

"You know already... Don't you?"

My life is the most uneventful life ever lived because it includes nothing but bullies, anti-climactic masturbation sessions, and the inability to perform strongly in every subject in school.

And then there's John... My best friend or strongly known as the macho kid next door with a harsh case of depression. It's not an overstatement, really. He's just a little sick in the clinical department yet tough on his outer shell. John is the ideal epitome of an oxymoron.

During times like these, he would refuse to leave his laundromat of a bedroom and suffocate in his own filth. To elaborate the situation a bit further, his depression (or as he calls it, "the wicked cycle of the darkest void") doesn't discriminate so the randomness of it all becomes obvious.

Oftentimes he would flat out avoid eating or even attempt to chew off his paper-thin finger nails. Days turn into weeks and now, it's been a month, which is odd knowing John gets over it after a couple of weeks. This is certainly not his fault.

Touchy topics relating to depression and self-harm can be undeniably hard to explain for me considering I've never endured such distress but as I said before, he's a little sick...

"Smitty, he's getting worst. I'm sorry just... This normally doesn't happen this often," His voice filled with genuine concern. The feeling is mutual, however, this is something I am able to get used to.

Perhaps I am wrong. Our friendship has been going on strong for over seven years and nothing has ever changed when it comes to his depression. 

I can live with that.

"And that's why I'm here, Craig. To help him improve,"

"You could only do so much for one individual and they will never change," He said, possibly referring to what Tyler did to him. Irritated towards the selfish remark, I pointed one finger.

"Look, Craig... Just let me do what I need to do and I'll possibly show up for mommy's precious dinner. Okay?" I asked in agitation, earning a seemingly unhappy nod in response. I didn't mean to offend the poor guy, he just doesn't realize the significance of this whole situation.

Great. I'm an absolute asshole.

Nearly tripping on my own two feet, I made it to John's front porch. There's no need to knock here. His mom, Dana, already gave me the key considering I am here more than I am at my own place.

I wouldn't be surprised if Dana started asking me for rent.

Nonchalantly unlocking and opening the front door, I smiled and waved towards Dana. She waved back in a sappy fashion. I take the carpeted stairs and wandered down the fairly lengthy hallway to get to John's bedroom. I knocked once.

"Don't come in. I'm naked," He said calmly and I opened the door anyway. He appeared to be fully clothed. Not surprised, I knew he was lying. If he was even a tad nude, his voice would've been in a panic. Setting my bag on the floor, I sat on the bed next to his limp figure.

"I could've been naked, Smitty," He said, pulling the covers over his head. 

"But you are clothed so it all works out," I said, politely removing the blanket covering his face. He's pale, sleep-deprived, his face is obviously thinning out. Craig was right, he is getting worst.

There are a few necessary precautionary questions to be asked before any other subsequent conversation:

_"Have you eaten today?"_

_"I don't remember,"_

That's usually a 'no', considering he has the memory of a swine.

(Fun fact: Pigs have an incredible memory. So next time you eat pork, remember: Pigs never forget...)

_"Did you drink any water?"_

_"Obviously, I would've been dead, idiot,"_

That's a 'yes'.

"Nice to see you too, bitch,"

And lastly,

_"Let me see your nails,"_

And if they have been chewed or tampered with, it's my call to repair any injuries.

This whole charade seems like a legitimate job. I shouldn't be obligated to go all out for someone else's survival, I myself am going through a fair share of agonizing despair (I didn't intend for that to rhyme, I apologize). But this is a little thing called friendship and it has done John well during our time together. Besides, I have nothing better to do.

I unzipped my backpack and placed two different snack sized bags on the bed and he slowly sat up.

"Lays or Doritos?" I asked, and he paused for a while as if the wiring of his brain stopped circuiting. He points at the Lays and I give it to him.

"Thanks, Smitty," He smiled, popping a chip in his mouth.

"It's no biggie," I said, noticing his posture becoming less frail. Perhaps he is getting better if he is willingly eating on his own.

"You think you'll be better by tomorrow?" I asked in regards to school.

"More than likely, yeah,"

Do you find me uneventful yet?


	2. That strange stare

The next morning went as routined. John and I met at my house so we can start walking to school. Occasionally we would joke and talk about things usually on our mind. Other than that, things were really simple around here.

I looked at him and smiled. He always had the best clothes, even though he didn't have much. He always looked like he was about to walk the red carpet, even though he was only going to school. I envied his style and he already knew that.

"You miss so much school, John. Your grades are probably terrible," I said, still chomping down a piece of buttered toast my dad prepared for me.

"Teachers give me a packet of worksheets ahead of time. It's like a depression contact or something," He explained, grabbing the small piece of toast for my hand and nonchalantly eating it. I raised an eyebrow.

"Oh..." I said, intrigued by John's reply. It's interesting to know how John gets around the school system. I wouldn't expect the teachers to go that far. I guess education is everything.

I just noticed John stole my toast.

Fuck that guy.

We walk into the school corridors. I always have my head held down and John was the complete opposite. He says 'hi' to literally everyone around him. John has always been a people person ever since we were kids. For some reason, he gets along with everybody including my school bully, Cam. That simple fact angers me a tad.

Without a single warning, my entire body was slammed into the nearest locker. Waves of pain overtake my chest all the way to the very core of my head. An agonizing grunt left my lips as I opened my eyes. It was Cam, gripping the collar of my t-shirt. He snarled at me with intimidation as my body began shaking. Suddenly, I see John push Cam ever so slightly.

"Leave him alone, Cam!" John shouts for everyone else to hear. This caused Cam to release me from his grip. Cam doesn't appreciate humiliation, especially when it's humiliation from John. He knows John can ruin somebody's reputation in a few short minutes. It has happened before.

"Fuck you, cunt!" Cam says his face inches away from John. Out of nowhere, John swings towards his face, instantaneously knocking him to the floor. In a matter of seconds, Cam is bleeding. Both of my hands cover my mouth as I stood there in complete utter shock.

John totally demolished Cam at his own game.

"Johnathan! Cameron! My office!" In the midst of me celebrating with my best friend, the principal had to witness the entire thing. Cam got up from the floor and smiled at me.

"You're lucky your boyfriend saved your sorry ass today," Was all he said until they both made their way into the principal's office.

I hope John doesn't get in trouble. He was only defending for me.

Cam has been physically torturing me for years now and for some unexplainable reason, they managed to catch John punching Cam once.

I have several questions...

I walked the opposite direction as if I were going to class. As soon as the doors were shut, I walked back to the office and sat in front of the door. I pressed my ear against it to get a better listen.

"Mr. Keyes, what do you have to say for yourself?"

"I was defending my friend who has been getting bullied at this crappy school this whole time. He doesn't know how to stick up for himself," He raised his voice almost immediately. I put my head down, feeling the guilt escalating within me. This is all my fault and I know it.

"I understand the circumstances but you don't punch another student! Do you understand me? That goes against the school rules and there's nothing else I can do,"

"Am I expelled?"

"No, but you will be suspended for three school days. This means you won't be able to walk the line at the graduation ceremony but you will receive your diploma if you've earned it,"

A tear drizzled from my eye, the guilt is beginning to kill me. What have I done? John doesn't deserve this. He is such a good person and doesn't mean any harm to anybody unless they've done harm to his loved ones.

This is unfair.

"Okay... Thanks," He replied and I heard the chair being pushed back against the wall.

"Where is your mother? She should be able to pick you up, right?" She asked in a concerned tone. He paused for a second.

"My mom is working today... I'll walk home,"

"Okay then... I'll see you in three school days" was all that was said until I heard footsteps coming my way. I rapidly walked towards the end of the hallway, and wait for John. He eventually opens the door and leaves the office. He made his way towards the front doors. His facial expressions don't show any anger, but disappointment. I wiped my tears and walked towards him.

"Hey, John..." I said and he didn't respond. It was obvious he didn't want to, or he didn't hear me. Both were very worrisome.

"Crazy day today, huh?" I said, trying to change the subject. It obviously wasn't working and I was obviously terrible at trying to make situations better.

"Yeah... Crazy..." He nearly whispered as he began fidgeting his fingers. This was a sign of stress or bothersome. The walk was quite silent and it was deafening. I had to say something to break this rather awkward tension.

"I'm sorry I put you through all of this-"

"-Not your fault," He interrupted, the agitation saturated his voice. I shook my head in denial as I know this wasn't a fact.

"It is,"

"Just drop it okay?!" He shouted and stops, startling me in the process. He continued walking.

"S-Sorry..." Was all I could say. The perpetual guilt was starting to kill me. John doesn't deserve this but I don't either. This situation doesn't seem right.

"And what about Cam? This whole thing is his fault," I asked.

"He didn't hit me back, he gets to run free,"

"Oh..." I replied awkwardly. John and I hardly get into a confrontation and today was just tension-filled.

"I'll see you later I guess..." He half smiled and I stopped him. I couldn't let him leave. Not like this.

"Please don't hate me, John. I didn't know what to do," I said.

"Smitty! It's fine! I get it! Eventually, you'll need to learn how to defend yourself rather than depending on me to fight your battles. It's not that you're a bother or anything it's just... My mom isn't working her ass off for me to be getting in trouble like this. Now please, drop it before I actually get pissed," He said and I shook my head. I didn't understand as to why he was yelling at me. Why am I the bad guy in this situation? I understand I deserve to feel guilty but I didn't start this mess.

"I-I still don't understand why you're mad at me! You didn't have to punch Cam and get yourself suspended. That's your fault! I appreciate it, but don't blame everything on me!"

"Heh... See you around, kid..." He said as I witness him leaving the campus. I couldn't help but tear up even more. This is a lot to take him for me at least. I shouldn't have reacted the way I did and I do feel guilty. But for some reason, it shouldn't be this bad. It probably isn't as bad as I'm making it be.

Who knows?

Making my way to class, Cam stopped me. He looks at me dead in the eye and planted me against the wall. I accepted everything that was coming to me. I deserve every last bit of pain and guilt. John may never look at me the same way. He probably hates me right now.

"Go ahead, Cam. Punch me. Kick me. Harass me. Give it all that you got," I said and he bit his lip. He raised his fist and paused. He slowly dropped his fist to his sides. I noticed his eyes appeared to be sad and already bloodshot.

Was Cam crying?

To my surprise, all he did was stare at me and breathed heavily. Suddenly, a tear rolls down his cheek after blinking for quite some time. He wipes his eyes and leaves me alone by walking out the school doors. Cam isn't suspended, why is he leaving campus?

What is happening?

Is this some kind of act?


	3. The stars need our attention

I gaze at the same piece of paper for three straight hours, rubbing my fingers against my temples as a symbol of stress and frustration. I keep telling myself over and over 'I don't get this, I honestly don't know how to do this,'. 

You guessed it: Math homework, also known as Satan's butthole. The main reason why I call it that is it's hard to understand and it stinks. 

I haven't been good at schoolwork and math seems to top off every little seeing I struggle with. Thankfully, I manage to get through this semester with B's and C's. Sometimes a D- will happen out of nowhere thanks to math.

But the exact reason why I'm so stressed out is that of John. I understand he's probably having a blast by being home and all but it is still upsetting nonetheless.

And why was Cam crying? Did I hurt his feelings? I should be genuinely happy that Cam is upset. But I can't help but feel concerned about him. He does deserve some suffering after all the things he did to me but he appeared more heartbroken than just sad.

I hear three taps against my bedroom window, which made me jump out of my chair and fall to the floor. I groaned in agony used the chair to lift myself up. I walked towards the window to see what the tapping is all about. And then there's John; leaning against the top of the ladder with a cheeky smile on his face. It didn't seem genuine but I'd rather him smile then be upset with me.

Though John is very straightforward, he can sometimes be hard to read.

"John? What are you doing on the ladder?" I asked.

"I didn't feel like going inside. Grab a few things and let's go," He said and I shook my head with confusion.

"Where are we going? It's a school night! My parents aren't going to let me," 

"They will let you. Your parents always go easy on you,"

"Not they don't! Plus I have a ton of homework to work on," 

"Give it to me," He said and I handed him the sheet of paper. He took the pencil from my hand and answered each question without even thinking. It was like nothing was even there. I stood there and complete shock as he handed the homework back. 

"There, easy peasy. Just climb down the ladder. They don't need to know! Now shut up and just go with it!" 

"Fine," I replied, grabbing a few things. I guess John wouldn't let anything happen to me, He does care about me. I just don't know what he wants to do.

"And bring some snacks!"

The both of us walked along the sidewalk. John had a tent in his hand. Are we going camping? On a Monday night? It's mind-boggling but perhaps I do need to take a risk every once in a while. Like I said before, my life is the most uneventful life ever lived and hopefully, tonight will change that.

"Can you at least tell me where we're going? And am I going to be back by tomorrow morning?" I asked in regards to my parents. He shakes his head and smiles.

"They'll never notice you're gone. They're always at work anyways," 

It's true, my parents are workaholics. I'm the only child (so is John in his family) and when your only parental figures have no time for you, they will never know where you are at or how you've been. That's why this bullying situation has never been resolved. They don't even know I'm struggling in school. It's kind of devastating if you think about it much deeper.

After walking for thirty long minutes, we discover an abundance of campsites. I only came here a few times with my father, that was until he got a promotion of course. 

"You really want to go camping now?"

"I don't have school for the next three days, so I got nothing to lose," He said sarcastically, placing the blanket to the grass. I felt bothered by his remark as I understand this whole thing is my fault. It's starting to piss me off a bit.

"If you're going to keep rubbing this in my face, I'm going to turn around and go back home," I raised my voice.

"Chill out, Smitty. I'm not mad at you nor rubbing this situation in your face," he said and I crossed my arms. I took a seat on the blanket and didn't even look at him.

"Well, it sure does sound like it,"

"You're going to need to calm down. I get it, you're on edge but you shouldn't let this whole thing get to you. I understand you feel guilty but you need to know that I'm over it," He explained and I felt a sense of relief. I relaxed the muscles that were already tensing up in my body.

"Oh. Okay," was all I said and I laid down. My attention went toward the stars. John later joined me after preparing and setting up the tent for the both of us. It was pretty calm and silent but in a good way. I concentrated and searched for constellations.

"The stars are beautiful tonight,"

"The stars will never know how we feel about them. They are millions of miles away," He said out of the blue. I looked at him in utter confusion as I may never know the things that go on in his mind. Maybe he doesn't understand his own words.

"John, stars are burning balls of gas. They don't feel anything nor express emotion," I tried to explain and he turned to the side. He glanced at me.

"How do you know? Have you ever been up close to one?" 

"No, but I understand astrology," I said and he laid on his back. He points toward the sky.

"You don't have to attend a science class to understand astrology. You see, philosophy is the reason why astrology ever existed. And if we are not going to be philosophical as we discussing astrology, it's like not adding any condiments to your hot dog," He elaborates and I am dumbfounded by his response. I can now understand why I chose John to be my best friend. He always had a way with words.

"Why are you so damn smart?"

"I'm not smart, just curious," He replied. In life, you can choose to be either book smart or street-smart. John was both and I never understood how that was even possible. Then again, I am neither street-smart nor book smart, so I could never understand how John and I became so close.

"Do you know what happened to Cam?" I asked and he looked at me.

"What do you mean?" 

"When you left the school he was about to punch me or something. And then he stopped and started tearing up over something. Don't get me wrong, I don't care about him or anything. I just want to know why he didn't end me," I asked. He laid there for a second as I felt the hesitation within him.

"Cam and I go way back. You don't know this but I've known him before I met you and for some odd reason, you became my best friend. But even though Cam seems to have no emotion and appears to be evil on the outside, but that's because he too has inner demons. His sister was getting bullied at her middle school and apparently, nobody knew about it until she committed suicide this morning," 

I covered my mouth in shock and my eyes widened. My heart hurts for that little girl, even though I've never met her in my life. That's actually heartbreaking.

"O-Oh my god... H-How do you even know about this?" I stuttered and he took a very long sigh.

"Cam and I are very close. I know you and Cam have had some issues and that's why I didn't really want to tell you about it," he said and I sat up. How could he hide something so important to me? That is beyond the definition of fucked up.

"How could you be close to somebody that treats me like garbage? Do you understand how it's like to be tormented by a single individual who wants nothing but pain from you? I thought you were supposed to be my best friend and I honestly feel betrayed," I said about to stand up and walk away. He pointed a finger at me.

"Sit down, Smitty! You're going to stress yourself out! So maybe if you listen to me, will understand what I'm getting to," He said and I obeyed. I am easily on the verge of tears.

"I keep telling him to go easy on you if he isn't going to leave you alone. He understands if he gets too frisky with you, he will get beat down. We're not close like how you and I are. We do talk about a few things and it's nothing too personal. Smitty, you are my best friend and he isn't, just so that we're clear,"

"What does this all mean?"

"Don't take my word for it but Cam may not bully you again after this event. Who knows? Maybe you'll become close to him and his friends just like me," He said and I nearly jumped with excitement. Popularity isn't something I strive for but it is something I would appreciate or my last year of high school.

"How do I get close to them? I'm not even stylish or cool like you,"

"I'll teach you. But right now the stars need our attention,"


	4. Unfulfilled desires

My eyelids open as I am awakened from the cool breeze around me. My body jumped as I became unaware of my surroundings. Then it hit me seconds later, I went camping with John and I forgot. Why do I always wake up forgetting where I'm at?

I unlock my phone to check the time and it read 7:15 a.m. The anxiety in my chest rose as I am going to be late to school. I look to my left and John was still sleeping like a baby. I don't know if I should leave him or if I should take him with me. School is also across town so if I don't go right now I'm going to be even later.

Shit.

I exit the tent slow as possible so I don't wake up John. My plan failed as I heard him shuffling around with the blankets from the inside of the tent. I sighed.

"Going somewhere?" He asked groggily, his hair is knotted up from sleeping and also the lack of brushing it.

"I have school today, remember?" I said, dusting off the dirt from my pants and put on my shoes. John shakes his head.

"You're not going to make it to school today, Smitty. We are way too far away," He said and my anxiety became worse. The stress is actually getting to me.

"I have perfect attendance, John. I'm not going to ruin that because you said so," I grabbed my stuff and started to walk. I don't mind wearing the same clothes from yesterday.

"Smitty, you're such a nerd," He said and I stopped in my tracks. I turned around and my eyebrows furrowed.

"Why did you call me a nerd?" I asked. I wasn't offended, just curious.

"Because all you care about is your precious perfect attendance," He replied in a mocking tone. I crossed my arms.

"What have you ever done in your life other than beating your meat to pornstars who will never love you?"

"What is your adorable perfect attendance going to do for you in the future? Do you get a trophy for never missing a day in school?" He asked and I thought about it. Perfect attendance has always been a big deal to my parents. It's something that they used to always talk to me about.

"I'll get a cord during the graduation ceremony and everyone will know me because I will be announced," I said, sounding pathetic as ever. John inevitably burst with laughter after saying that. My face turned red as the humiliation took over.

"Wow, kid. You know if it means that much to you, I'll make you a fucking cord. Just miss school today?" He asked and I rolled my eyes. Usually I'll just say no and he'll get over it but apparently me absent today means a lot to him. I'll just let it slide.

"Fine. What are we going to do all day then?"

"We're going to the mall. It's only down the street," He said, stuffing his face with the Doritos I brought.

"With whose money?"

"My allowance, idiot. Now let's go," He said, gathering the tent with a mouthful of cholesterol smothered chips. I should bring a salad next time.

This entire day I will be hoping my parents don't notice my absence. After all, they don't seem to notice anything anymore...

After maybe ten minutes of discussing unpopular topics that involve video games, we finally made it to the mall. I can only wonder why John wanted to come here. Window shopping, perhaps?

We strolled around the place and avoided as many kiosks as we could. Subsequently, a store caught John's eye enough for him to grab my wrist and pull aggressively towards it. I yelped.

"John! What the hell, man!" He continued to yank my arm.

"Relax Smitty. You'll like this store," He said and I pulled my arm back so he could let go of his grip. I rubbed the area he was squeezing as it was starting to become tender.

"I can walk, thank you very much!"

"Whatever..." He said and we entered the store. Though I have never heard of it before, this place isn't half-bad. Unfortunately, I didn't get to see the sign since I was literally dragged in here, but I feel like this store has a nice chic look to it.

"Here, try these on," he handed me a pair of black skinny jeans. I shook my head.

"John, I'm not wearing those," I pointed a finger.

"Why not? They're skinny jeans,"

"I don't wear skinny jeans!" I said and he chuckled. It's true, I never wore a pair of skinny jeans in my entire life.

"You never wore skinny jeans?" John continues to laugh and I pointed at the clothes rack behind me.

"You know I never wore designer clothes!"

"Smitty, you don't have to have designer clothes to wear skinny jeans. You could get those at Walmart," He said and I look down. I feel a little down at the fact that I'm behind when it comes to fashion or any subject involving clothing for that matter.

"I don't know, dude. I don't really know much about clothes. I just put on a pair of pants and a shirt and leave for the day,"

"Awe come on. Don't feel too hard on yourself. Just try these on in the fitting room and tell me how you like them,"

"Okay," I sighed, giving in to John for the fifth time today. It's not that he controls me because he hardly does. I'm just glad he's not depressed or angry with me. Whatever it takes, I guess.

I make my way to the dressing room and close the door behind me. There are already clothes in here that have been worn. Everything is just so disgusting and unsanitary in this very room. I nearly gagged as I tried to ignore my usually absent OCD thoughts. I swallowed as I began putting on the pants. Painfully and oddly, these pants fit around my waist, but they are so tight around the nuttage region. I groan in pain as I suffered to find ways to adjust my groin but it seems impossible.

"Ow ow ow ow!" I said, unbuttoning the pants. Suddenly, a knock on the door made my heart skip a beat.

"This room is occupied!"

"Smitty, it's me. Are you done in there? I need to see how you look," It was only John but somehow I cannot bring myself to wear these any longer.

"I don't know if I like them!"

"Come on, let me see real quick. And then you can take them off," He said and I groaned. I buttoned them up and try to adjust a little more. Adjusting in these pants have been anything but effective. I open the door and nearly waddled towards John as I don't know how to walk in these. He smiled.

"Looking good, Smitty. Not bad, not bad," He nodded his head.

"A-Are you sure these are the right size? These pants are the only thing suffocating my scrotum, John. I can't-" He cut me off and pulled the pants down slightly. People were already staring at us.

"Smitty, relax. All right? You're not supposed to pull the pants all the way to your titties. They should hang low a little bit to give your balls enough air to breathe," He said and I nodded my head. He was right, they're not as bad if they hang below you're nuts a bit. But they're still unquestionably awkward.

"I mean they're not bad looking or ugly but my question is how do people wear these every day? They are a literal vacuum-sealed pant that will be the death of my legs," I said.

"You'll get used to them. You might even love them because of how they look on you," he complimented me and I smile. For some reason, these made my confidence skyrocket a bit.

Is it possible to own a pair of pants to gain the ability to boost your self-esteem and achieve your unfulfilled desires? I don't even know how that's even possible...

The both of us looked at the store clerk, who has been watching over us with her arms crossed this whole time.

"We'll take three,"

My eyelids open as I am awakened from the cool breeze around me. My body jumped as I became unaware of my surroundings. Then it hit me seconds later, I went camping with John and I forgot. Why do I always wake up forgetting where I'm at?

I unlock my phone to check the time and it read 7:15 a.m. The anxiety in my chest rose as I am going to be late to school. I look to my left and John was still sleeping like a baby. I don't know if I should leave him or if I should take him with me. School is also across town so if I don't go right now I'm going to be even later.

Shit.

I exit the tent slow as possible so I don't wake up John. My plan failed as I heard him shuffling around with the blankets from the inside of the tent. I sighed.

"Going somewhere?" He asked groggily, his hair is knotted up from sleeping and also the lack of brushing it.

"I have school today, remember?" I said, dusting off the dirt from my pants and put on my shoes. John shakes his head.

"You're not going to make it to school today, Smitty. We are way too far away," He said and my anxiety became worse. The stress is actually getting to me.

"I have perfect attendance, John. I'm not going to ruin that because you said so," I grabbed my stuff and started to walk. I don't mind wearing the same clothes from yesterday.

"Smitty, you're such a nerd," He said and I stopped in my tracks. I turned around and my eyebrows furrowed.

"Why did you call me a nerd?" I asked. I wasn't offended, just curious.

"Because all you care about is your precious perfect attendance," He replied in a mocking tone. I crossed my arms.

"What have you ever done in your life other than beating your meat to pornstars who will never love you?"

"What is your adorable perfect attendance going to do for you in the future? Do you get a trophy for never missing a day in school?" He asked and I thought about it. Perfect attendance has always been a big deal to my parents. It's something that they used to always talk to me about.

"I'll get a cord during the graduation ceremony and everyone will know me because I will be announced," I said, sounding pathetic as ever. John inevitably burst with laughter after saying that. My face turned red as the humiliation took over.

"Wow, kid. You know if it means that much to you, I'll make you a fucking cord. Just miss school today?" He asked and I rolled my eyes. Usually I'll just say no and he'll get over it but apparently me absent today means a lot to him. I'll just let it slide.

"Fine. What are we going to do all day then?"

"We're going to the mall. It's only down the street," He said, stuffing his face with the Doritos I brought.

"With whose money?"

"My allowance, idiot. Now let's go," He said, gathering the tent with a mouthful of cholesterol smothered chips. I should bring a salad next time.

This entire day I will be hoping my parents don't notice my absence. After all, they don't seem to notice anything anymore...

After maybe ten minutes of discussing unpopular topics that involve video games, we finally made it to the mall. I can only wonder why John wanted to come here. Window shopping, perhaps?

We strolled around the place and avoided as many kiosks as we could. Subsequently, a store caught John's eye enough for him to grab my wrist and pull aggressively towards it. I yelped.

"John! What the hell, man!" He continued to yank my arm.

"Relax Smitty. You'll like this store," He said and I pulled my arm back so he could let go of his grip. I rubbed the area he was squeezing as it was starting to become tender.

"I can walk, thank you very much!"

"Whatever..." He said and we entered the store. Though I have never heard of it before, this place isn't half-bad. Unfortunately, I didn't get to see the sign since I was literally dragged in here, but I feel like this store has a nice chic look to it.

"Here, try these on," he handed me a pair of black skinny jeans. I shook my head.

"John, I'm not wearing those," I pointed a finger.

"Why not? They're skinny jeans,"

"I don't wear skinny jeans!" I said and he chuckled. It's true, I never wore a pair of skinny jeans in my entire life.

"You never wore skinny jeans?" John continues to laugh and I pointed at the clothes rack behind me.

"You know I never wore designer clothes!"

"Smitty, you don't have to have designer clothes to wear skinny jeans. You could get those at Walmart," He said and I look down. I feel a little down at the fact that I'm behind when it comes to fashion or any subject involving clothing for that matter.

"I don't know, dude. I don't really know much about clothes. I just put on a pair of pants and a shirt and leave for the day,"

"Awe come on. Don't feel too hard on yourself. Just try these on in the fitting room and tell me how you like them,"

"Okay," I sighed, giving in to John for the fifth time today. It's not that he controls me because he hardly does. I'm just glad he's not depressed or angry with me. Whatever it takes, I guess.

I make my way to the dressing room and close the door behind me. There are already clothes in here that have been worn. Everything is just so disgusting and unsanitary in this very room. I nearly gagged as I tried to ignore my usually absent OCD thoughts. I swallowed as I began putting on the pants. Painfully and oddly, these pants fit around my waist, but they are so tight around the nuttage region. I groan in pain as I suffered to find ways to adjust my groin but it seems impossible.

"Ow ow ow ow!" I said, unbuttoning the pants. Suddenly, a knock on the door made my heart skip a beat.

"This room is occupied!"

"Smitty, it's me. Are you done in there? I need to see how you look," It was only John but somehow I cannot bring myself to wear these any longer.

"I don't know if I like them!"

"Come on, let me see real quick. And then you can take them off," He said and I groaned. I buttoned them up and try to adjust a little more. Adjusting in these pants have been anything but effective. I open the door and nearly waddled towards John as I don't know how to walk in these. He smiled.

"Looking good, Smitty. Not bad, not bad," He nodded his head.

"A-Are you sure these are the right size? These pants are the only thing suffocating my scrotum, John. I can't-" He cut me off and pulled the pants down slightly. People were already staring at us.

"Smitty, relax. All right? You're not supposed to pull the pants all the way to your titties. They should hang low a little bit to give your balls enough air to breathe," He said and I nodded my head. He was right, they're not as bad if they hang below you're nuts a bit. But they're still unquestionably awkward.

"I mean they're not bad looking or ugly but my question is how do people wear these every day? They are a literal vacuum-sealed pant that will be the death of my legs," I said.

"You'll get used to them. You might even love them because of how they look on you," he complimented me and I smile. For some reason, these made my confidence skyrocket a bit.

Is it possible to own a pair of pants to gain the ability to boost your self-esteem and achieve your unfulfilled desires? I don't even know how that's even possible...

The both of us looked at the store clerk, who has been watching over us with her arms crossed this whole time.

"We'll take three,"


	5. Stanford blues

I felt like a spoiled girlfriend with all of these bags filled with well-known luxuries in my hand. Each one was from a different store, hence the feeling of being an egotistical princess. But I do feel thankful for everything John has been doing for me.

I open the door to my house and noticed my dad sitting on the couch watching hockey. It was unusual for him to be home. Did he get out early today? I hope he doesn't know about me missing school today. Trying to stealthily sneak my way towards my room, I gently shut the front door and tiptoed towards the stairs. He didn't notice me, until-

"Hey, Champ. How was your day at school?" I swiftly hid the bags on the stairs behind the wall so he wouldn't notice them. I stood up straight and acted naturally.

"Good, thanks," I said, preceding to walk up the stairs. I grabbed my stuff.

"Hey, when you're done up there I have to talk with you," he said and I thought my heart dropped to my stomach. He knows, he has to know. He usually doesn't talk to me unless he has something important to say.

I am so grounded.

I didn't even get to remove my stuff from the bags because I wanted to get this talk over with. I'm nervous but I feel as if I have mentally prepared myself enough to get through this without dying inside.

Maybe it's because I'm already dead inside.

I ran down the stairs and sat on the couch next to him. I clap my hands together and rested them on my lap.

"H-Hey Dad, what's up?" I asked, trying not to sound nervous but I failed to do so.

"So in regards to school... I have talked with your principal and did some paperwork and applied for several different colleges around the country," He said and I felt a sense of relief. Not relieved enough because I was never planning on going to college. This conversation took an odd turn.

"Dad... You know-"

"-Let me finish," He sighed and I nodded "I know this is so sudden but one of the colleges accepted your application and offered to give you a full paid scholarship," He said and I was taken aback by his sentence. I don't deserve a scholarship! I don't even have A's and B's at school.

"Scholarship!? Which university?!"

"Stanford University," He replied and I gasped. I hope he was kidding but by the looks of his face, he was being genuine today.

"Stanford!? That's one of the top tier schools in the country!"

"I know! I'm just excited as you are!" He said and my hopes went down a notch. This is not who I am and attending a high-class college doesn't seem right.

Not sure if I can do this.

"But... You know I wanted to be a musician ever since I started those guitar/piano lessons five years ago. Music is my thing," I said and he sat back. Music has been a part of my life ever since I was a child and wouldn't see myself doing anything else but something music related. He placed a hand on my shoulder.

"I'm sure they have courses specifically made for music. You'll do just fine,"

This whole thing doesn't make sense, why would they want me?

"Plus my grades aren't even the best and my test scores are lacking, how am I able to even attend that school?"

"I gave your teachers a little wager and had a meeting with your principal. Since you're in special education, they were able to make an exception," he said and I nearly jumped out of my chair. This is pretty exciting for me considering I never really thought about college until now. This is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.

Why waste it?

"Holy f- I mean, wow! Thanks, Dad!" I pulled him in for a hug and he gladly accepted my offer.

"No problem,"

I am excited about this opportunity, however, Stanford University is in California and I'm all the way up here in Seattle. I don't mind moving since Canada is my birthplace and I moved here at the age of five. But how am I going to tell John? Is he going to be upset that I'm moving across the country? I hope this doesn't ruin our friendship.

Craig is definitely going to hate me.

I have to tell John today.

My phone vibrated. I received a text message.

John:

After you drop your stuff off, head over to my house. There's still more we need to do.

I locked my phone after reading the message, tucking it in my pocket.

"Okay well, I'm going to John's. I'll see you later," I told my dad and he nodded. I'm surprised he didn't notice my new clothes. I sometimes forget my parents don't really notice me.

I walk into John's house and ran up the stairs. John was only in his boxers and his Misfits shirt I gave him for his 15th birthday. It's already two years faded, why does he still have it? I'm guessing it's comfortable.

"Hey, what are we doing?" I sit on his bed and he looks at me with moderate disappointment. I cocked my head to the left with confusion.

"Smitty, why are you wearing your new clothes?" He asked and I looked down. I shrugged my shoulders.

"I assume this is what I'm going to be wearing for now on," I responded and he scratched his head. He sighed.

"Well... Okay just-just take off your shirt and put on... these," He threw a pair of sweatpants from his bed and I caught them. I started to become nervous as I am always afraid to show my upper torso.

"Wait, do I have to take off my shirt? You know how much I hate my body," I've always felt fat since I was younger and I can see I have a little chub on me. But even when I didn't I felt a hundred pounds heavier than what I really am. I don't even take off my shirt at the swimming pool and John doesn't either. That's why we're good friends. we don't body shame each other because we know how it's like to shame our own.

"Smitty, you know I don't care about how your body looks. It doesn't even look bad. Also, I'm giving you a haircut," He said and my eyes widened.

What?!

 


	6. Am I going to see you again?

"A-A haircut?! Should I just go to a barber shop?"

"Come on. I know how to cut hair,"

"I don't recall you going to 'Barber College'," I crossed my arms.

"I used to watch my dad cut people's hair before he left my mom," He said and I took a seat on his bed.

"You were six years old,"

"I absorbed tons of knowledge from that man. He taught me how to cut hair and ruin a healthy family," the saddening tone overtook his voice and I rubbed circles around his back. I still give him sympathy. The divorce still affects him to this day.

"Hey, it's okay... I'll let you cut my hair. I guess I am due for one," I said with a smile. My hair is a bit curly right now, I did neglect it for a month-and-a-half. I mean, it's not an afro like Ezra's. It's just super scruffy. I'm just hoping this isn't a train wreck. 

I changed into the sweatpants and took off my shirt. I was hoping I could change into a stained shirt or something but I could live with this.

"Okay. Just sit on the chair and get comfortable," 

After the first stroke of the clippers against my head, I nearly jumped. Occasionally John would tell me to 'stop moving' or 'don't worry' but this alone is nerve-racking. At the end of it, there was so much hair on the floor. I think he just balded me. I'm going to need a mirror, now.

"Am I done yet?" I asked as he brushed the hair off my shoulders.

"Go to the bathroom and look in the mirror," He said. Practically fell out of the chair and sprinted to the restroom down the hall. I turned on the light and looked in the mirror. I almost choked on my own breath. I'm speechless, it looks so good. John joins me shortly after with a smile on his face. 

Why do I look so much better now? 

Perhaps my forehead's a bit bigger now...

Oh dear God...

"How do you like it?" He asked and I adjusted a couple of hairs. I turn my head to the left a bit, then to the right.

"I'm trying to find something I don't like about it," I said as he dumped out the hair into the trash can. 

That's a lot of hair...

"I used to cut my own hair sometimes. But I got lazy and dyed it blond," He said as he pulled his hair back using a hair tie. I looked at him and smiled.

"It looks great, thanks," I said I pat his back, leaving him in the bathroom. I walk into his bedroom, remembering that I need to tell him about Stanford. 

How is he going to react? 

Will I lose my best friend because of it?

"Hey John, I think we need to talk," I called him from the bedroom. 

"Hold up," He called from down the hall. I attempted to prepare myself for something like this but it seems almost impossible.

"What's up?" He said, taking a seat on the bed. I sighed.

"It's about college," I said and he paused.

"What about it?" He gave me a puzzled expression.

"I'll... I'll be-" I stumbled upon my words out of nervousness. My hands began shaking.

"Spit it out!" He shouted and I jumped from my seat.

"I'll be going to college after I graduate," 

"That's cool. I didn't know you were the college type," He said and sat back.

"Me neither,"

"Is that it?" He asked and I swallowed. I brace myself for whatever happens next.

"I'll be attending Stanford," I said and he looked at me.

"Stanford? Isn't that like a god tier school? I thought they only accept like 5% of applicants?"

"Yeah... It's a long story as to how I got accepted but I'll be going there during the fall,"

"Um... where is Stanford at again?"

"California," I said it and he sat back. He took a deep breath.

"Oh my god... That's like miles away,"

"I'm sorry John but... This is what I want to do," I said, cracking my voice. I could tell he is pretty upset about this.

"Am I going to see you again?"

"Eventually. I'll go visit all the time," I said and there was a long pause. This is hard for me too. John and I have been more than just neighbors for years now and I don't want to mess that up. I feel like almost rejecting the offer. That would be a pathetic reason to turn down such an opportunity like Stanford.

"Why can't I just go with you? We could be roommates and I could get a job out there," He said and my hopes begin to rise. I nodded as the idea seemed quite convincing. John and I living together instead of being neighbors is something I've always dreamt of. I shrugged, trying to contain my excitement.

"If you want to take that risk, go ahead. I don't know if you're going to like it out there," 

"Alex and I have been wanting to go out there ever since he started his music career. I just wanted to stay here with you," He said and I almost leaped for joy. 

"This... This is fucking amazing like- roommates?! This-this is a great opportunity for both of us. Sorry, I'm so happy-" I teared up a bit, thinking about how this situation turned out to be. Today has been a good day for me. 

"Smitty you're such an emotional wreck sometimes. Bring it in, brother," He greeted me with open arms and I gladly accepted it. Though the plan hasn't been thought-out really well, I feel like it's going to work.

"But I'm allowed to bring in Hollywood babes, right?" John asked mid-hug and I playfully shoved him with a giggle.

"All right, bud. Don't push your luck,"


	7. It's pretty sad to know your best friend wants to leave the world

I ended up staying the night at John's house. I never actually understood why John always let me sleep on his bed while he cuddles up with a couple of blankets on the floor. I'm the guest, I should be the one on the floor. Maybe I should invest in an air mattress since I'm here all the time.

I lay here, staring at the morning light bleeding through John's blinds. I debated if I should even go to school today. Yesterday was so fun, I don't think I want to wait until the weekend.

I turned my head and noticed the time, 12:37 p.m. I don't think John has ever slept this late before. I rolled over and looked at the floor where John laid. He always looked interesting while he slept: A pillow soaked with drool with his bleached blond hair covering his face.

My heart sinks in grief as my eyes went towards John's slightly exposed side. His flesh is almost completely covered in fresh intentional slits from a razor blade. He probably used a shaver because they weren't too deep. I took a deep breath as I could believe he's self-harming again. He said that he's been getting better at that. I sighed.

I carefully slipped out of bed and landed where John was laying. I poked his shoulder once and he didn't budge. I tried again and he inhaled sharply with terror. I didn't expect to spook him this much.

"Jesus fucking Christ, cunt. Why did you have to do that?!" He asked groggily. I giggled.

"Its 12 p.m, you should have already been awake," I said and he moved his hair away from his face.

"Oh shit," He stretched his muscles "You should have woke me up sooner," He sat up and I started to fold his many blankets.

"I respect your beauty sleep,"

"Though I am not beautiful," He said, adjusting his pajama pants a bit. I have to ask him about his scars. Otherwise, he would be continuing this toxic habit. I wouldn't be a good friend if I didn't bring it up.

"Um... How do you feel, John?" I asked, trying to be subtle about the whole thing.

"Other than annoyed from the boner I woke up to, I'm feeling pretty peachy," He said with a nod. I couldn't let him push the thought away. They were right in front of me.

"Are you sure you're okay?"I asked again and his face expressed agitation.

"What are you talking about, Smitty?"

"I'm sorry John but... I noticed your cuts while you were sleeping," I let it all out, and he was obviously taken aback by it.

"What the fuck, Smitty?!" He stood up quickly and tucked his shirt so I couldn't see the gashes. My hands begin shaking.

"I'm sorry, John... But why-how come you never talk to me about these things?" I asked.

"Why do you have to invade my personal space like that?"

"I'm sorry I'm just... I'm concerned-" He cut me off.

"Well, Smitty, all you need to know is I'm fine and you have nothing to worry about," He walks away and slams the bathroom door. It's going to be awkward if I stay here any longer. I grabbed my clothes and left, locking the door behind me.

I'll leave him alone.

For the remainder of the day, I stayed in my room, trying to keep myself busy. According to Snapchat, it turns out Craig stayed home from school today as well but it was obvious he didn't feel like hanging out today. We video chatted for a bit.

"Nice haircut, Smit,"

"Thanks, John did it," I responded and he paused for a bit.

"You know... I don't know how you stay friends with John. He's kind of a jerk if you think about it,"

"He does a lot for me. Plus, he has problems, Craig,"

"Don't we all have problems, Smitty? Just because you think John is different, it doesn't mean you should treat him differently,"

"You're probably right, Craig. But somehow I have the sudden urge to hug him all the time. His mind is fucking him up,"

"It's not a bad thing you're best friends with him. But he should at least be thankful. Your loyalty is unbelievable,"

"Honestly-"

I heard a beep and I looked at my screen. John's caller ID popped up.

"Uh, Craig? John is calling, hold on real quick,"

"Okay,"

I answered the video call.

"Hey, dummy?" His face looks distressed and was puffy around the eyes. His back was against the wall. The answer is clear, he's not doing so well.

"Hey um... I don't want to bug you or anything but..." His voice cracked and his lips quiver. Something is definitely wrong because he hardly shows any emotion. Crying is usually scarce.

"Are you okay? Are you crying?"

"I... I'm sorry for yelling at you earlier,"

"Hey, it's okay. Just... Please tell me you're okay,"

"I almost did something really bad, and I wanted to call you before I did so,"

"I'm on my way,"

I got up to slip on my pair of skinny jeans. Probably not the most reliable source of clothing for a frantic time like this. John could be doing anything right now and I don't want to lose him. I switched back to Craig's call.

"Uh, Craig? I'm going to have to hang up it's... Kind of important," I said, pulling on my sweater frantically.

"No biggie. I'll be at Tyler's house," he said and I froze in my steps. I looked at him questionably.

"Tyler's house? You guys made up?" I asked and he nodded. This was a shock to me.

"I made up with everyone," He smiled. I shake my head as it began spinning.

"How- when- I'll ask later but I have to go," I hung up and ran out of the house, tripping over my own feet in the process.

"John?! Where are you?!" I looked in every room of his house with urgency. I found him sitting beside his bathtub with a bunch of pills sprawled out on the bathroom floor. It looks like he spilled them, or maybe chucked them while the lid was removed. I kneeled to his level and used my fingers to move his hair from his face. His cheeks were red and soaked with tears.

"John? Did you take any of these?!" I snatched the pill bottle from his hand. It was a prescription for 800 mg ibuprofen. I checked his eyes to check for any pupil dilation.

"No. I didn't have the guts to,"

"Are you telling the truth?!"

"Why would I lie to you, Smitty? You're my best friend," He said and I pulled him in for a hug. He wasn't crying anymore, he seemed more numb than sad. I can't believe I left him like that today. I have to keep him busy in the meantime.

"Just... I'm going to clean this up and maybe we could do something fun?" I suggested and he looked at me.

"Like what?" I thought about where to go as I put the pills back in the bottle.

"Want to head to the arcade?" I asked and he seemed interested. He stood up and began changing his tear soaked shirt.

"I don't have any quarters,"

"They have one of those magic machines that turn bills into quarters. Just put a twenty in there and we'll be set," I said. I finished cleaning the mess and he fixed up his hair. He glanced at me with a smile.

"I'll bring fifty,"

For the next three hours, we would be at the arcade until we played all the games. For the sake of whatever happened today, I went easy on him for every game we played. I made him happy, which made me happy.

We ended the night on a good note, which made me tired enough to go home.

I walked into my house and noticed my mom and dad sitting at the dinner table with the light on. My breath quickened as I could tell they didn't look too amused to see me.

I'm in deep shit...

"Do you have something to tell us, young man?"


	8. The better influence

I sit silently at the dinner table, my mom is shooting daggers at me. I know I haven't been going to school and I probably deserve all the treatment I'm getting but I don't believe this silence justifies anything.

"So, what have you been doing these past few days?" My dad asked casually. I put my head down as I tried to suppress my inescapable upcoming stutters.

"S-S-School..." I stumbled upon a single word. My mom smirked slightly as they both know how I get when I'm nervous.

"Are you sure you've been just going to school?" My mom asked. I didn't know how to respond as the words didn't come to me. I shifted in my chair and kept my head down.

"Jaren, we trusted you enough to go to school on your own since your father and I are busy trying to pay the bills. And unfortunately, you disrespected our trust," She scolded. I honestly don't feel like I did something too bad. Maybe this is not as bad as they're making it be.

"Guys, I'm sorry..."

"You missed two days of school, Jaren. What have you been doing?" My mom seems to overreact more than my dad and situations like these. The best thing I can do is be honest whether they like it or not.

"I've been hanging out with John..." My mom scoffed.

"Why have you been hanging out with John instead of going to school? You- Did you get a haircut?"

"Yeah... Like it?" I asked and my dad nodded his head.

"Looks good, actually-ow!" Dad complimented me but lost all its merit when my mom smacks my dad across the head with a rolled-up newspaper. My dad can never be angry with me.

"And new clothes? These must've costed a fortune," My mom scrutinized my attire. I didn't understand why my mom was trying so hard to discipline me when she was obviously losing.

"I needed a haircut... And I like my clothes," I said and they both sighed.

"Look... John is a nice boy and I know he's your best friend but... He's not the best influence on you," My dad looked at my mom questionably as she said that. I stood up sharply as my fists begin clenching. I am undeniably angered.

"What the hell are you talking about?!" I never raised my voice to my parents until now. Mostly to my mom because my dad wasn't really doing anything.

"He got suspended and you didn't! You can't be missing school-" I cut her off.

"-John has done everything for me and cares a lot about me!" I ran upstairs and grabbed a few outfits. I can't stay in this house tonight.

"Jaren, please-"

"-No! You know you both have been neglectful ever since we moved here! So yeah, John is the best person in my life now and I will not let you ruin that!" I snapped, stuffing my school bag with my things and walk towards the door.

"Jaren... Where are you going?" My Dad tried to reason with me.

"Where do you think?!" I slammed the door behind me. I know I am probably overreacting but I didn't care. Everything was happening all at once and this whole thing became overwhelming for me. I can usually reason with my parents and obey their wishes. But today feels different.

I don't know what it is.

I opened the door to John's house and locked it behind me. As I was about to walk up the stairs, I noticed John's mom on the kitchen table with the light on. She was eating a bowl of Frosted Flakes with a blank stare on her face. I joined her by taking a seat in front of her.

"Hey, Dana... I don't mean to intrude like this but is it okay if I stay here tonight?" I nearly whispered as the entire house was completely hushed. Things were always peaceful in this household, John and his mom never actually fought as far as I know. Dana is as chill as her own son, I understand where he gets it from.

Why can't my mom be like that?

"Of course. You know my house is always open to you," She said with her mouth half full. There was an awkward pause as she seems to have been pondering for a while.

"Can't sleep?" I asked, trying to create conversation. She shrugged.

"Insomnia, remember?"

"Oh yeah..." I replied, looking at the magazine resting on the table. I could go upstairs and maybe get some sleep but I know I have to clear things up first.

"Did you hear any of that next door?"

"Every last word,"

"I'm sorry about that-"

"-You don't need to apologize. You did nothing wrong,"

"I missed school..."

"Who cares? We all ditch every once and a while. I'm sure your parents did the same when they were your age,"

"Really?"

"Also-friggin-lutely! But just because you ditched school just to hang out with John, it doesn't mean he's a bad influence. They don't know how much he actually cares," She sighs with moderate frustration. She continues.

"I mean, come on. Do you blame the poor kid? He doesn't have many hobbies or any interests for that matter. He doesn't want to do much for himself but he cares about others. And somehow everything he does is for you and I'll tell you this much kid, that's some golden friendship goals right there," She says as she begins to smoke a cigarette. She's not wrong, John isn't a bad influence. I can always look up to this woman.

"Yeah... Can I um... Maybe stay here until the weekend is over?"

"Sure, kid. It's no problemo. But you're going to need. To go to school tomorrow," She pointed a finger and took a puff. A nodded and smiled as my mood lightened up a bit. I am pretty excited.

"Thanks, Dana. I won't let you down," I said about to run up to his room. I looked at her.

"Is John in his room?"

"He's on the roof. Poor thing, my boy has sleeping problems too," She said and I nodded. I walked outside and climbed the ladder against the wall. I was shaking a bit halfway through but I managed to get up there without a problem.

There laid John on the bricked flat surface, vape smoke leaving his lips. His attention was toward the sky and I joined him.

"Hey, dummy," I said, he didn't glance at me

"Sup, idiot," He replied, taking another toke.

"I'm staying over again tonight. Ya' gotta deal with my ass for the next three days," I said and he giggled.

"No biggie. Thought you would be back," He said and I chuckled. I laid here in hopes he didn't hear any of that mess. My mom always thought good of him until today all of the sudden. He doesn't deserve any of this.

Goddamn, why does he have to be such a good sport?

"Did you hear everything that went down at my house?"

"Your walls are paper-thin. You should probably get that fixed," He said. He was right, I bet the whole neighborhood was able to listen to my mom overreacting. It is embarrassing nonetheless.

"Just... Please don't let what my parents said get to you... They're acting really strange lately," he said and he handed me the vape. Since I wasn't used to it, I began coughing. He patted my back.

"You got nothing to worry about. I've heard worse, been through worse," He replied calmly, his attention to the night sky remained.

"Yeah, you right," I nodded and released a long sigh. I'm sure what my parents have to say is the least of his problems. He deserves so much better.

"Are your parents even looking for you?" He asked and I turned my head to the left. All the lights in my house were off. This was a sign of bedtime.

"No, they went to sleep. I don't know how or why,"

"Why don't we cut to the chase and established the fact that your parents don't really care about you. Sure, they may love you and all but they don't really pay much attention to you. They didn't get mad at you today and they weren't disappointed in you because they're trying to act like they are good parental figures when they are clearly not," He rebuked with passion. I don't remember ever seeing John this heated before.

"John-" He interrupted.

"-I mean, they're nice and all but... They didn't even notice your haircut or your new clothes until a day later. What does that tell you? Maybe they do care and I'm just talking shit but your parents are doo doo examples of what a good influence is," He continued. I don't think I've ever seen John this maintained before. God, I'm so lucky to have a friend like him.

"Yeah, you're not wrong. I get that I have both of my parents in the house and I never experienced how it is like to witness a divorce but they can be pretty neglectful and uninvolved," I mumbled. That fact alone kind of puts me down.

"Hey, it's okay. You should probably move in with me. You're better off staying here," He suggested. It's not a bad idea but I'm pretty sure my parents wouldn't be fond of it. But they're also not very fond of me at the moment.

Maybe...

"I'll try to look into it," I said and we both proceeded to stargaze. My body began shivering as I forgot the temperature dropped drastically during the night time. I tucked my arms into my sweater.

"Are you sure you're not cold?" I asked in a shaking tone, it has to be around thirty degrees out here. He shrugged.

"It's fuckin freezing out here. But I still love to watch the stars," He sighed with contentment. I smiled and stood up. He probably needs his alone time.

"I'm going inside where it's warm. Night, see you tomorrow," I said, climbing down the ladder.

"Good night,"


	9. The impossible love at first sight

I walk into the school corridors with a fresh mind. The walls were already covered with custom-made prom posters from the student council. Yep, it was indeed a new feeling. Somehow, I couldn't pinpoint this emotion.

Confidence? Perhaps.

Though tomorrow is the day of, Prom doesn't really matter to me. I might not even go due to the fact that nobody at this shithole of a school would want to be my date. It might not be true but it seems like it.

Today I may have to go it alone during lunchtime. John isn't here, Craig is hanging out with a new group, and rumor has it that Ezra moved to another school. Either way, I will definitely be alone today.

The clock hits 12:06 p.m. and surely enough, I am sitting against the wall with a peanut butter and jelly sandwich in hand. I guess it didn't bother me too much but it did suck. I have nothing to worry about, it'll go by fast. Another two passing periods and I'll be at John's house.

"Smitty, get over here," I look to my left to see Toby waving and smiling. I hesitated but it was just Toby after all. He has always been the nicest out of everyone in Cam's group and deserves more recognition. I stood up made my way towards him.

"What's up, Toby?" I asked and he patted my back.

"You know you don't have to be alone anymore. You'll do well over here," He said and I thought for a moment. I suppose I could try it out. Unfortunately, I wouldn't know what to talk about nor am I interesting enough to be in that group again. I usually have a hard time fitting in and it's humiliating when I do make an attempt.

"But Cam-" He interrupted.

"-Cam hasn't been to school this week. Also, he changed for the better and we all get to choose our own path here," He emphasized and smiled. It wouldn't hurt to be around them. Just for today until John gets back.

"I guess I could hang with you guys," I smiled and he laughed.

At first, it was a rather painful experience. I felt like I wasn't able to truly be myself until they started talking about video games. From there, it felt like I had my friends back and I finally belong to something. We couldn't stop laughing and this has been the best lunch period I ever had.

In the midst of enduring a heated debate with Eric, somebody caught my eye completely. That somebody is a she and she made me feel... Different?

Love at first sight?

No. There's no such thing. Plus, I don't think I even have the ability to love.

She sat there alone, reading the book in her hand that read A Court Of Thorns And Roses. To my surprise, she was actually immersed in the novel. I thought everyone stopped reading during the 90's. I guess I could be wrong.

I noticed her most prominent features: She has the most ocean blue eyes I have ever seen and long, stringy hair that form her neck and shoulders perfectly. I couldn't stop staring, I feel like such a creep for doing so. But somehow, I couldn't look away.

"Who's that?" I leaned over towards Mason, and he looked around.

"Who?" He asked. I pointed at her, trying my absolute best to not make it so obvious.

"H-H-Her," I stumbled upon one word again, embarrassing myself with my stutter. Everyone was looking at her now. I hope she doesn't notice us.

"Oh, that's Sara Ashley. She's new," Jay says and I shook my head in disbelief. How could anybody be so stunning?

"W-Wow. She's... She's really-" I felt a stutter coming in and I completely paused that sentence. I couldn't fathom around the fact that I'm at the same school as this girl.

"Hot? Sexy? Bangin' body?" Mason smirked and I shook my head. I couldn't think about her in that way. I guess you can say I'm not like every other guy out there.

"I think she's... really pretty,"

"Look at that bunny," And the rest of the guys, except Toby, continue to make sexual/suggestive gestures and remarks towards her. they weren't being disrespectful. They're just acting like boys and virgins will be virgins whether you like it or not.

"You guys are so gross... A-All you want from her is sex," I said and everyone gasped playfully.

"Not true!" Jay exclaimed.

"There's also fellatio. That's important," Eric emphasized. I shook my head and glanced at the prom posters. I have an idea that will be anything but foolproof.

"I want to ask her to the prom," I said and they genuinely gasped this time. I felt the doubtful tension around me and I feel moderately offended.

"You want to ask the hottest chick in school to go to prom with you?" Mason asked with a laugh. Everyone else joined in and my face turned red.

"Why not? Oh, I know... You don't think I have a chance with her,"

"Chicks don't like stutters," Eric patted my back. They laughed harder.

"I'll try my best not to. I believe I can hold them back just for today,"

"Plus, rumor has it that she's already in a relationship. A football star at another school with a full paid scholarship at a University somewhere around here," Jay said and I almost completely felt better. I forgot I got accepted to one of the highest paying tuition schools in the country. I think I can handle it.

"But did he get a full paid scholarship to Stanford?" I asked and they raised an eyebrow.

"Smitty, what are you even talking about?" Mason asked and I metaphorically pushed them away.

"Step aside, boys. Watch me persuade the ladies," I said cockily and I strutted towards her. I looked behind me and they were all face-palming their hardest.

"Oh god..." I heard Toby in the background. I didn't seem to care and I went for it anyway.

I stood there in front of her and she didn't even notice me as she continued to read. Suddenly, my nerves were starting to get to me.

Say something, you idiot.

"H-Hey,"


	10. John's simple rules on finding a hot prom date

My hands shook as I grabbed her attention and she smiled.

"Oh hi. What can I do for you?" She said brightly and placed the book on her lap. Somehow, I ran out of words to say. I am choking on my own sentences as they are nonexistent.

At the corner of my eye, I could see John standing behind a bush waving at me. I assume he is gesturing me to go over there. I mean, he's supposed to be at home and self-loath in his suspension but maybe he can help me out here.

"I-I'll be right back," I told her and she nodded. I speed walk towards John's direction and he looked at me questionably. I kept my composure or whatever dignity I had leftover.

"Smitty, what the hell are you doing?!" He whispered and I took a deep breath.

"John?! Aren't you supposed to be home? You're suspended!" I said and he looks down. Something is definitely going on and I have no idea what it is.

"I... I had to get a few things from over here since my mom couldn't. But forget that, what are you even doing with Sara?" He asked and I tilted my head to the left. He knows Sara? Sometimes I forget John knows everybody.

"I-I-I choked! I don't know what I was doing out there," I felt an anxiety attack pouring in John rubbed my back with comfort.

"Easy Smitty, easy. Everything is fine. You're just going to need a little more preparation before you try to talk to the ladies. Granted, she actually is really nice and understanding considering she is waiting for you to finish talking to me. But there's more you need to do," He said and I shake my head with disbelief. I have a feeling this is not going to work out.

"Why should I listen to you? You don't even have a girlfriend," I doubted John, which is probably a mistake considering he has more experience than I do.

"I don't have to have a girlfriend to know what a lady wants," He explained, puffing on his Juul again.

"How will I know-"

"-Just follow these simple rules: compliment her eyes, then her smile, and lastly, be very subtle about popping the prom question. You don't want to freak her out," I took in every piece of information I could and nodded.

"Okay... Got it..." I said and turned around. I walk towards her again and this time I joined her.

"Um... Sorry about that," I said and she waved a hand.

"It's no big deal. Not like I have anywhere else to be," She muttered. I decided to jump in right away. I don't have enough time to sit around and lollygag.

"You have really pretty eyes," I said, I didn't stutter to my surprise. I'm getting better at this.

"Thank you. I grew them myself," She said and I genuinely cackled. I didn't expect her to actually be funny.

"You also have a really nice smile," I said and I felt accomplished, making her blush.

"Awe, you're so sweet!" She giggled and I shrugged.

"Thank you. You are too," I said and there was a slight pause.

"What's your name?" I asked though I already know her name. It's a simple conversation starter.

"My name is Jaren but you can call me Smitty. Everyone calls me Smitty," I said as if I was friends with a lot of people. For some reason, I feel like I'm beginning to act like John. Speaking of the devil, he was still in the bush watching me in the distance. I still cannot believe he is over there.

I need to stop hanging out with him so much.

"What a unique name. My name is Sara, not really unique but it's all right," She said, looking down at her lap. I shook my head.

"Your name is great, actually,"

"Thank you," she said.

"Hey um... It would be a shame if nobody was taking you to prom," I said as I felt as smooth as ever. She was taking a back and smiled at me.

"You sly dog. Are you asking me out?" She playfully smacked my shoulder and I giggled.

"Maybe..." I responded, anticipating her answer. The palm of my hands is soaked with sweat.

"I would love to go with you... But I think you should ask me out on a date before we hit the dance floor," She said and the bell rang. John gestured me to keep going.

"Oh. Okay uh-"

"-I have to go to my chemistry class but for now here's my number. Call me when you want to hang out," She handed me a small piece of paper with purple ink on it.

"Okay. Thanks," I said and she walked away. I felt confident walking towards my group of friends. John wasn't behind the bushes anymore.

"Did it work out?" Toby asked and I looked directly at Jay.

"Whoever told you she has a boyfriend is a lying cunt,"


	11. It's not a mental illness, it's a severe case of philophobia

My hands shook as I grabbed her attention and she smiled.

"Oh hi. What can I do for you?" She said brightly and placed the book on her lap. Somehow, I ran out of words to say. I am choking on my own sentences as they are nonexistent.

At the corner of my eye, I could see John standing behind a bush waving at me. I assume he is gesturing me to go over there. I mean, he's supposed to be at home and self-loath in his suspension but maybe he can help me out here.

"I-I'll be right back," I told her and she nodded. I speed walk towards John's direction and he looked at me questionably. I kept my composure or whatever dignity I had leftover.

"Smitty, what the hell are you doing?!" He whispered and I took a deep breath.

"John?! Aren't you supposed to be home? You're suspended!" I said and he looks down. Something is definitely going on and I have no idea what it is.

"I... I had to get a few things from over here since my mom couldn't. But forget that, what are you even doing with Sara?" He asked and I tilted my head to the left. He knows Sara? Sometimes I forget John knows everybody.

"I-I-I choked! I don't know what I was doing out there," I felt an anxiety attack pouring in John rubbed my back with comfort.

"Easy Smitty, easy. Everything is fine. You're just going to need a little more preparation before you try to talk to the ladies. Granted, she actually is really nice and understanding considering she is waiting for you to finish talking to me. But there's more you need to do," He said and I shake my head with disbelief. I have a feeling this is not going to work out.

"Why should I listen to you? You don't even have a girlfriend," I doubted John, which is probably a mistake considering he has more experience than I do.

"I don't have to have a girlfriend to know what a lady wants," He explained, puffing on his Juul again.

"How will I know-"

"-Just follow these simple rules: compliment her eyes, then her smile, and lastly, be very subtle about popping the prom question. You don't want to freak her out," I took in every piece of information I could and nodded.

"Okay... Got it..." I said and turned around. I walk towards her again and this time I joined her.

"Um... Sorry about that," I said and she waved a hand.

"It's no big deal. Not like I have anywhere else to be," She muttered. I decided to jump in right away. I don't have enough time to sit around and lollygag.

"You have really pretty eyes," I said, I didn't stutter to my surprise. I'm getting better at this.

"Thank you. I grew them myself," She said and I genuinely cackled. I didn't expect her to actually be funny.

"You also have a really nice smile," I said and I felt accomplished, making her blush.

"Awe, you're so sweet!" She giggled and I shrugged.

"Thank you. You are too," I said and there was a slight pause.

"What's your name?" I asked though I already know her name. It's a simple conversation starter.

"My name is Jaren but you can call me Smitty. Everyone calls me Smitty," I said as if I was friends with a lot of people. For some reason, I feel like I'm beginning to act like John. Speaking of the devil, he was still in the bush watching me in the distance. I still cannot believe he is over there.

I need to stop hanging out with him so much.

"What a unique name. My name is Sara, not really unique but it's all right," She said, looking down at her lap. I shook my head.

"Your name is great, actually,"

"Thank you," she said.

"Hey um... It would be a shame if nobody was taking you to prom," I said as I felt as smooth as ever. She was taking a back and smiled at me.

"You sly dog. Are you asking me out?" She playfully smacked my shoulder and I giggled.

"Maybe..." I responded, anticipating her answer. The palm of my hands is soaked with sweat.

"I would love to go with you... But I think you should ask me out on a date before we hit the dance floor," She said and the bell rang. John gestured me to keep going.

"Oh. Okay uh-"

"-I have to go to my chemistry class but for now here's my number. Call me when you want to hang out," She handed me a small piece of paper with purple ink on it.

"Okay. Thanks," I said and she walked away. I felt confident walking towards my group of friends. John wasn't behind the bushes anymore.

"Did it work out?" Toby asked and I looked directly at Jay.

"Whoever told you she has a boyfriend is a lying cunt,"


	12. You know how to make a man feel worthless

Prom starts in thirty minutes and this night is already detrimental. I'm not even ready yet and my anxiety is already through the roof. I don't know if I'm going to be able to survive this night without collapsing.

God hates me.

Yeah... That's what's happening.

"Are you sure you don't need me to give you a ride?" My dad asked through the phone call as John applied gel to my hair. I haven't been in touch with my mom lately but luckily my dad decided to come around. I'm so fortunate to have at least one understanding parental guardian.

"I'm good. John's mom is lending her car to me," I sighed with frustration as am already late.

"Jaren... You don't even have your driver's license and you haven't driven very much," He said with concern. I grabbed my jacket and pulled it on swiftly.

"I know how to drive. Plus, my date lives only a couple of blocks away so I'll be fine," My shoulder held my phone against my ear as I adjusted my black tie. John taught me how to drive on the day of my 15th birthday and occasionally practice with my mom's Honda Accord. Though my learning skills are lacking, driving seemed to more simple to absorb than Algebra II.

"Okay... Well... Have fun and send pictures okay?" He replied awkwardly and I smiled. It's good to know my dad doesn't hate me.

"I will," I hung up on a good note but it didn't help my nervousness. My body shook again and my fingertips were already numbing themselves. I looked at John with urgency once my heart subsequently began racing.

"I-I think I feel another anxiety attack coming in," I stammered pathetically and my hands covered my face. I felt like screaming my lungs out and had the urge to cry until I run out of tears. John rested his hand on my shoulder.

"Easy, Smitty. You have to understand that it's going to be all right. All you need to do is make her smile and try not to rush things. And also, be sure to have fun. If you need anything, I'm just a phone call away," I nodded. John's reassurance boosted my self-esteem and allowed me to leave with a smile on my face.

Where would I be without him?

The drive was a bit bumpy and whiplash-y but I managed to somehow pulls through without crashing into any poles or pedestrians.

Sometimes I will never understand how I am still alive.

I safely pulled up to the address Sara gave me via text messaging. I took a deep breath as I parked the car an inch away from the curb.

All of my worries disappeared when I glanced at the porcelain-skinned girl exiting her home with a smile on her face. She wore a long, red, matte dress complemented with dazzling sheer diamonds that wrap around her waist. My mouth agape with shock as she walked ever so oblivious to her alluring beauty.

"Wow, you look... Stunning," I admired her stepping into the passenger seat. She grinned, exposing her pearly whites.

"Thank you. You don't look so bad yourself," She glanced towards me.

"Thanks," I said and I began driving. I tried my best to focus on the road as much as I could, even if it means avoiding conversation for a while. I do not want to completely demolish a mailbox while my hot prom day witnesses the whole thing. I just need to stabilize.

"Is this your car?" Asked Sara whilst applying more gloss to her lips.

"No. This is my friend John's car. I'm just borrowing it for the night," I peeked through the rearview mirror. She turned her head towards my direction sharply.

"John who?" She asked with curiosity. I looked at her as we were at the stoplight.

"John Keyes,"

"You're friends with John too?" She exclaimed.

"He's my best friend-wait. You know John?" I looked at her questionably. I felt genuinely surprised as I understood John knew Sara but I didn't know they were friends. Sometimes I wonder what does John do with his free time.

How come he didn't tell me about this?

"He and I are rather close. We talk about things and he was there for me during tough times. But yeah, that's crazy. I didn't know you were John's friend," She said and I realized John is such a big contribution to the people around him. He seems to put others before himself and nobody truly understands why. He always deserved better. He deserves Sara more than I do. I guess he will eventually find the one.

"John gets along with everyone but somehow he chose to get along with me a little more," I elaborated, playfully bragging. She giggled and nudged my shoulder. I absolutely adored her laugh.

"What a small world we live in," She smiled.

Panic rose within me as the realization of me standing in this room (which has over two hundred horny and ecstatic students) allowed my sanity to crash and burn. To my left I see Mason and them hanging out with each other. I chose to be with Sara instead.

Calm down, man.

Relax, just for the night.

At first, the upbeat music seemed to make me avoid dancing all together. Sara seemed to have the best dance moves on the floor and I just stood there like a light pole. I have no idea why she chose me over any other guy in this building. I was gawky and she was gorgeous and I was hopelessly boring and she was endlessly fascinating.

She also is so much cooler and I am.

"I'm sorry... I don't really know how to dance," I confessed with honesty and she seems to understand. She gently wrapped her arms around my neck and pressed our chests against each other.

"Ah, it's okay. Just copy me," I listen to her and echoed her every move. She helped me loosen up a bit and I began feeling good about myself. It took me long enough to realize how fun these events can be. I do however wish John could have experienced this with me. He would have had a blast. I hope he's doing well.

During the Electric Slide, Sara decided to step out. I didn't mind waiting, but one minute turned into ten minutes and I became concerned. I walk around the dance floor in hopes of finding her. Occasionally bumping into my fellow students, I became worried. She couldn't have gone very far.

I was nearing the restrooms as something caught my eye. I froze in my footsteps and my heart seemed to have shattered because of this tragic sight.

I managed to find Sara with her arms wrapped around Cam's neck as they make out ever so passionately. I didn't expect something like this to happen but it's happening.

And I feel completely destroyed.


	13. It was only a kiss, how did it end up like this?

I couldn't say anything or raise the courage to confront the situation. Instead, I scurried into the boys' restroom like the pathetic son of a bitch I am as Mr. Brightside started playing in the background. People were watching but I didn't care. I locked myself into a stall and sat against the wall. I loosened my tie as the tears started flowing. I understand I just met her and we haven't connected enough for me to feel heartbroken.

Of course, I had to raise my hopes up.

I always seem to get attached to people easily.

I didn't know if I should call John or go out there and confront my issue.

I can't go out there, not like this.

I dialed John's number. He answered almost immediately.

"Hey, Smit. How's the-" I interrupted.

"J-John she-... She-" I mumbled in between sobs. My sentence became inaudible and my speech halted altogether. Just hurts more then it should.

"What's the matter? What happened?" He asked. I tried to keep my composure, which was difficult at this point.

"I saw her and she was... Making out with Cam," I tried to explain without thinking about it. Explaining and talking about it only made it worse.

"What the- drive over here before things get worse," He demanded and I shook my head. I don't want to get into a car accident that will only be caused by my distressed emotions. I refuse.

"I don't think I can. I-It's really dark outside and it's hard to focus because I'm crying a-a lot," I put my head in my hands and felt absolutely hopeless.

"Kay... Just wait right there. I'll walk over there and I'll drive us back,"

I sat there, pitiful as ever. I wasn't thinking about how vulnerable I look but I didn't care. This event hurt me a lot. I thought Sara was different from the other girls. I thought she thought I was different.

I thought she liked me...

I guess I will never be what she truly wanted. She obviously wants somebody tall and attractive as Cam. I now understand I deserve somebody as dumb and naive as me.

The drive home was silent and John focused on the road, he's a better driver than I am. I wasn't crying anymore, just completely emotionless towards the whole thing. He tapped his rings against the steering wheel as he bit his lip. It was obvious he was angered towards the situation. He doesn't have to be upset.

"Do you want to talk about it?" John broke the silence and I shook my head. Talking about it will make me weep like a baby again.

Under normal conditions, I would thank him and give him praise for helping me out. Tonight was different. Though John didn't do anything wrong, he also didn't help me enough to fulfill a spontaneous night with the girl I like. I felt disappointed.

"I'm... I'm sorry to say this but I thought you said it was going to be okay," I murmured. He looked at me, then at the road.

"What the hell are you talking about, Smitty?! I know what I said and I didn't know this was going to happen!" He bellowed. The tires below us screeched loudly as the car came to a complete stop. I couldn't believe him.

"You knew this would happen!" I pointed a finger, yelling with anger. I understand I was being irrational but I wasn't thinking.

"I didn't know anything! I didn't expect this as much as you did!"

"How do I know you're telling the truth?!"

We continued to bicker harshly as the windows became covered with steam. My forehead was covered with sweat as I never felt this upset before.

"All I wanted to do was make you happy and I'm sorry I didn't help with that tonight. But it's not my fault!"

"Yes, it is!"

In just a split-second, John's lips are against mine. The unexpected feeling raged all over my body and widened my eyes largely. Our lips disconnected and my breath is shallow. Not another word was said as all of this was happening at the same time. I sat still and looked forward. My body shook with confusion as the realization became much clearer.

To John, I am not just his best friend.

His eyes filled with tears and he viciously wiped his eyes using the back of his sleeve. I have to tell him. This is all too much for silence.

"John I-"

"Don't say another word about this!" He snapped, pulling the keys out of the ignition and handing it to me. Unable to say anything, John exited the car and ran down the street.

I sat in the same spot for about an hour, trying to analyze the impossible. There isn't much to the situation except maybe the fact that my best friend kissed me in the midst of an argument and decided to run away from it all. I wanted to understand what was happening.

Does he like me?

He doesn't.

He doesn't like me that way.

He's straight, right?

My mind continued to go sideways as I scooted towards the driver's seat. I decided it was best to drive John's mom's car back to his house and stay at my house for the night. I don't care if my mom is upset with me. I just need to get out of this school campus and be in my room for a while.

This night has been a complete catastrophe and I have no idea what to do. I don't know if I should be more upset about Sara completely dissing me at prom or John kissing me. Maybe John will be back to his old self by tomorrow morning but I don't know if he wants to see me right now. if he doesn't want to talk to me again, I would literally have nobody. Maybe I would have Craig and a couple of other friends but...

I never knew how it felt to lose so much in one night to the point where being dead inside is a new feeling again.

I parked the car on John's driveway and lock all of the doors. I slipped the car keys underneath the doormat and made my way to my front door.

I fumbled my keys before using them to open the door. My mom and my dad were sitting at the table, having some wine. Usually, they would bring out the wine if there was a special occasion. I wonder what is so special about tonight. I didn't want to ask for I had other problems to deal with.

"Jaren! You're back home! How was the dance?" My mama exclaimed happily and greeted me with open arms. I couldn't respond. It's not that I didn't want to it's just that I don't have the ability to even speak after all the shit I've been through. I stood there, speechless. I couldn't help but shed a few tears.

This comes to show this doesn't only happen to girls.


	14. Everything is going to hell

It's a pathetic travesty to realize how much of a coward I really am. I spent the whole week alone at school and managed to perform even worse in my already lacking subjects. It was quite a surprise, I don't know that is even possible.

The weekend came around and I remained alone. John hasn't texted me or called me since I talked to him at prom. At this point, I believe I lost a friend.

My best friend.

All that I have left is my guitar and maybe Craig. But even he seems to care less about me. My mom believes I've gone depressed as my father thinks I need to leave the house more. I know I'm not depressed. John knows how it's like to feel empty and hollow when I'm just sad and severely confused and have nobody to talk to you about it. There's a difference between depression and sadness.

What has my life become of?

I endlessly transitioned my attention to the piano keys beneath me for what seemed to have been an hour but was actually a minute. I want to sing some songs of my own, but I don't know which one to choose.

It's a habit of mine to write songs about John in his point of view. This doesn't make a whole lot of sense but please, bear with me.

He would elaborate on the most poetic and philosophical phrases, which sparked my interest in songwriting. I vocalize his depression and his infinite knowledge in song and he enjoys it very much. Somehow, this abundance of lyrics helps me in realizing who he really is and it's an eye opener to understand how much he goes through in a day.

Nobody deserves to endure such pain and emptiness.

Since he doesn't want to talk to me right now, I don't think I have the ability to write music at the moment. It's just so complicated when your only motivation for songwriting isn't going to be available for a while.

Then it hit me. Why don't I just write about myself for once?

Why has my life only been revolving around John and John only when I have the ability to continue living on my own?

Why do I keep moping around over the same guy?

Because he thinks of me in a way I never seemed to notice until last Saturday.

I still cannot get over that kiss.

Admittedly, it made me feel happy and content. But at the same time, I cannot bring myself to think about it anymore.

This is all still too much for me.

Preparing for a recording, I whistled obnoxiously to focus on the camera position. On occasion, I would record these sessions, for future reference of course. I have never been the best at remembering how my own songs go sometimes and recording helps with just that.

I closed my eyelids and allowed the chords to play themselves. The words came out as expected. The song should be about John using my perspective only.

How I feel about him.

I grabbed the camera and pressed the off button. This improvisation went better than expected. I thought I would have never gotten anything done today. Apparently, my songwriting skills are getting better.

Who knows, perhaps it's only a burst of luck.

My body jumped once I heard the abrupt ringing of my phone. I am home alone (again) so even the smallest of sounds startled me to death. I looked at the caller ID. It was Jay. I hardly talk to him or anybody for that matter.

"Hello?" I answered.

"Hey, Smitty. The video that you posted on YouTube is a sick dude," he said with excitement and I took a step back. You can hear Eric's voice in the background, lollygagging as usual.

"What video?" I froze with confusion. I don't ever remember posting a video anywhere. I hardly use the internet.

"You know I like to sing to and I admit it, you're very talented my friend,"

"I still don't know what video you're talking about,"

"Look on YouTube. I think it's called 'Jaren Smith sings songs about my depression' or something. You have over a thousand views. Congrats!" The call disconnected. I don't think I posted a video unless people have been mistaken me for someone else. Then again, not a lot of people know my full name. I'm checking YouTube anyways.

I clicked on the app and typed whatever Jay told me. The only video that popped up was me on the phone now with my guitar on my lap.

John... You son of a bitch...

Sometime last year, John and I made the dumb decision to pull all nighter and record each other doing stupid shit. We had a lot of fun with his camcorder but as soon as the clock struck midnight, sad hours were in session. He wanted to record one of my saddest songs, which was about the time he lost all hope in humanity. He gave me some pointers about what to put in the song and now it's on YouTube for the world to know.

I slipped on a shirt and left my house, locking it of course. I didn't care if John doesn't want to see me. I'm furious and I need answers.

What did I do to him?

Did I anger him?

I opened his door and slammed it behind me. I ran up the stairs.

"John! You are so dead! Wait till I get my hands on-" I shouted and completely froze when I stepped into John's room. It wreaked with the scent of weed. Right in front of me was John laying on his bed high as a kite with Alex laying beside him. They were only in their boxers and barely noticed me walking in. So there are several questions I have to ask but the video is my main focus right now.

"What's up, Smitty?" John cooed, sitting on slowly. Alex glanced at me and smiled widely.

"Hey, little buddy! What's up?" He gushed loudly. I take a seat in front of them once John sat up.

"I'm not your little buddy. I hardly know you," I said as Alex took another hit off the bong.

Dear god, how much weed can one individual smoke in one day?

"You're still little," He laughed. The pent-up frustration became unbearable. Alex always seems to pick up on me during times like these. I'm overreacting, I'm sure he means well.

"I'm not even smaller-I don't care about that right now! John, I need to talk to you," I requested and he smiled.

"Then talk to me," He said, tilting his head like a psychopath.

I'm not too sure if weed is the only thing they're high on.

"Can we at least get some privacy?" I asked, blushing with embarrassment. John stood up and put on a bbno$ shirt.

It's not everyday John wears Alex's merch.

What is he? His boyfriend?

What am I? Jealous?

Maybe...

"If you want to say something, you can say it in front of Alex. He usually doesn't remember much after being high all day," He mumbled.

"Yeah, I mean, it's not like you just started your man period or anything," Alex added. I grunted.

"You guys are the worst!" I nearly screamed and they both laughed at me. I'm like a guinea pig they get to mess with. I don't know if I enjoy being that.

"It's all good. I'll leave you two alone before the little guy starts bursting into flames," Alex puts on his clothes and sprays a ton of cologne all over his body. I felt a sneeze coming in as the scent overtook my sinuses.

"For the hundredth time, I'm not little!" I coughed and fanned the air a bit.

"Sure you're not. Later," Alex and John did their unique handshake while Alex leaves the house.

Finally, I can get some closure.

"What do you want, Smitty?" He asked in a surprisingly not-so-rude way.

"I want to know why you uploaded the video," I asked, pulling out my phone. He looked at me.

"What video?"

"The one where I'm singing Everything is Going to Hell," I explained and he nodded at the realization. He takes a seat and I join him.

"Maybe it's because I believe you deserve more recognition. You said you wanted to start your music career, why not get started on YouTube?" He asked. He does have a point. But there's more to that.

"Because I'm still in high school and nobody knows about my passion except for you and my parents," I sat there, realizing that alone isn't a good enough reason to hide my passion.

"You shouldn't treat your dreams like a secret. If you do that they will never come true," His point gets even better. Suddenly I'm not so upset anymore about it.

"You're not wrong but I could've at least put a better song out there rather than letting it be known for your depression," I said. He turns on his laptop and enters his password.

"I'll change the title," He said, logging into YouTube. I realized I've been avoiding him for no reason. He's not mad at me. He's just the same old John. I admit I missed him.

He's definitely going to hate me when I ask-

"So... About that kiss,"


	15. When I grow old, my weathered soul

"What about the kiss?" He avoided eye contact as I did the same. I had to look at him and he already seemed emotionally flustered.

"I want to know why you did it," I nearly whispered and he shrugged.

"I don't know. I just felt like shutting you up," He made an excuse and I couldn't bring myself to believe him. After all, it would make sense if he liked me. John is undeniably impossible to read.

"Are you sure?" I asked. He grunted with frustration. I don't mean to upset him but it wouldn't hurt to ask.

"I know you don't like boys or whatever and I know you'll never like me. I just want you to understand that I don't want our friendship to change and I don't want your perspective of me to change," He said and I became oblivious. Never in my life would I change how it think about John. He still always going to be the kind and goofy friend I've known before the kiss.

"John, I'm still the same Smit-" He cut me off. Tears begin flowing down his cheeks.

"Maybe I'm just afraid of losing you. I know this whole thing is stupid and I know I'm overreacting. Maybe I do like you more than I should but do you blame me? We've depended on each other for years now and I can't believe you didn't notice-" 

I interrupted his babbling by pressing my lips against his. I had to, I needed to feel that warmth again. I need him to be okay and I want to feel less overwhelmed. I would have never thought of doing this but somehow I just cannot help it. I know this goes against my word because I'm straight and everything but I am now questioning everything that I've ever stood for. Come to think of it, I really like kissing John. It's fun and it's a feeling I cannot put my finger on. After making out deeply for quite some time, he wiped his tears and glanced at me questionably.

"What was that for?" His voice cracked and I smiled.

"I just wanted to shut you up," I said, admiring his eyes. Through they are bloodshot from the crying and mostly the weed he nonchalantly inhaled, I was amazed by how bright his irises are. I didn't notice his bright eyes until now. 

I couldn't help but lean in again, but this time the kiss went a lot differently. Both of my arms were around his neck and he pulled me closer. Our lips smacked and the hesitation slowly disappear to as we held each other as one. John grabbed my hand and placed my palm against his red hot cheek. One thing led to another and I am already in my boxers. John pressed his body against me as he rested on top of me, gliding his gentle fingertips all over my body. As he was about to unbuckle his belt, I felt nervous. I don't know if I want to do this yet.

"I don't know if I'm ready for this," I looked away with embarrassment as he nodded his head. He didn't have to think about it, he just laid next to me.

"That's okay. We don't have to do it," he said, looking at the ceiling. It's not that I didn't want to do it with him I've never done anything like this before and I'm not sure if I'm prepared yet. He reassured me and made me realize it's okay to not be ready. Being a virgin does it make you a pussy and I'm glad I know somebody as understanding as John.

We ended up relaxing for the remainder of the day, John finally sobered up after an hour. I laid on his arm, my face rested against his exposed chest. Occasionally he would plant the smallest of pecks against my forehead, which made me blush drastically. I don't know what my life has come to but I don't ever want this feeling to end.

"I must have been high on some unrealistic shit for you to kiss me. Being romantically involved with you is something I've dreamed of for years. For the most part, I've kept dreaming and allowed for it to stay that way until I could finally tell you," He confessed and I nearly sat up in shock. I didn't know he felt that way for the longest time. It's no wonder why he turned so many opportunities to experience this feeling with anyone else.

"Really?!"

"You're more than what you think, Smitty. I just don't want you to change because I like you," He said, taking a toke of his vape. 

"Y-You know I like you too, John," I almost stuttered. He shifted his body to looked at me.

"Really? You like me?" He asked. Then again, I am not 100% certain.

"I'm not sure if I like you or if I just like the feeling of kissing and touching you in ways I've never touched you before. Either way, there is something to like about you," I said and he smiled. I never thought I'd be this close to John. This is a big transition for me. I don't even know if I'm awake. I'm probably in my room, sleeping like a baby.

I hope to God (or whoever is making me suffer with a perpetual stutter on a daily basis) this is not a dream.

"What happens next in our friendship? Does this change anything? Are we like... Boyfriends or something?" I asked with curiosity.

"We can still be friends but smooch every once in awhile. It's just a feeling we both enjoy, right?" He asked. I however undeniably savor moments like these. I don't think he understands how much they mean to me. 

"I guess you're not wrong. But does that alone technically make us boyfriends if we act lovey-dovey?" 

"I don't know but I'm warning you, we're not going to act lovey-dovey in public. People aren't going to know. Do you know how they are not going to know? Because you're not going to tell anybody. Not even your uninvolved parents. Okay?" He asked with a serious tone. I nodded as I thought about my parents. 

"Fine but... They're going to know eventually," I explained. I know they are not always around and all but they will find out one way or another. They seem to always unveil important events that occur in my personal life. But when it comes to the littlest things that involve groceries or things that are more important, they somehow manage to ignore it all.

"And how are you going to come out to them? You know this is a huge change for you and your family, right?" he asked and I thought about it for a moment. It wouldn't hurt to tell them.

"We should probably tell our parents," I suggested, facing towards the ceiling. I remained close to him as he wrapped his arm around my shoulders.

"My mom already knows. I tell her everything," He said and I raised an eyebrow.

"She knows that you've had a crush on me this whole time?" I asked. He nodded. 

"She was also upset to know I would never have a chance with you. So if I told her you let me kiss you, and you kissed back, she would be the happiest mom alive," 

"That's so sweet. I wish I would have known sooner," I blushed, I began twirling his hair gently with my fingers. I didn't realize how entertaining this was until now.

"We probably would be in a relationship by now," he said and I paused. I still thought about what my parents would say. How would they react and will they still love me as their son? Will they change their mind about me? I barely realize this is a bigger deal than what it seems and I need to think this through a bit.

"I don't know if my folks would agree or disagree. We don't talk very much about myself or anything for that matter... So I have no clue how they would react," I began overthinking. It's true, I am terrified and anticipating their response.

"If they don't agree with your decision, they're not loving parents. As I said before, you could live with me," he said and I shook my head.

"I'm not sure if that's the best idea,"

"My mom always wanted a second child but my younger siblings miscarried and never had the chance to see the world. It would be great if you lived here," I immediately felt sympathy. I didn't know she had a miscarriage. I guess I don't know very much about her but having a miscarriage is such an unfortunate event to happen. It seems to bother John to this day.

"That would mean you and I would be brothers," I said and he bursted with laughter. I joined him.

"Not really. I think it would mean you and I will have more time for each other and less time apart. And on the side my mom will have someone to hang out with other than her lousy son who doesn't leave his room ever," he mumbled towards the end of his sentence. How could he talk about himself like that? He is more than what he thinks he is and it shows.

"Your mom loves you and appreciates you more than you would ever imagine. She sticks up for you and she's an advocate for it all of the things you do. I guess you don't realize how much you mean to others," I adjusted myself to where our faces are only inches apart. I admired him again, I will never stop adoring his alluring natural face.

"You don't know how much you mean to me," He consoled and I brushed the back of my hand against his cheek.

"How much do I mean to you?" I soothed and he trailed kisses leading to my ear. He whispered:

"Everything,"


	16. Stop making everything about you, Smitty

I never thought that I would be popular in Elixir High. I never thought John would ever like me the way he did now.

And I never expected the school cafeteria to serve tater tots on a Wednesday afternoon.

I could say my life is shifting into something new: new relationship, new look, new friends, better grades (actually they're still pretty bad but let's just ignore that). After all I am in my senior year. All of this change is happening so fast and I feel some kind of a high just thinking about it.

I know John will refuse but all I wanted to do is grab John's hand and hold it tight so the world could know. I understand he wanted to keep us a secret and that's okay. As long as he's happy, I'm sure we can pull through until we graduate.

Lunch time came around and I searched the halls and hopes I could find John. He couldn't be very far, I assume.

"Smitty," I heard a deep voice from behind. I turned my head to see Cam against the wall, a bag of books dangle from his shoulder. I don't want to see him or talk to him. I cannot stand him right now.

"What do you want, Cam?" I kept walking and he followed. My fists clenched, digging my nails into the palm of my hands. Talking to him will only make this worse.

"I need to talk to you-" I gripped the collar of his shirt and pulled him down to my level. I'm not very short, he's just a literal walking skyscraper.

How do you get this tall?

Never mind that, I'm angry.

"-There is nothing to talk about! You kissed Sara knowing she was my date and that broke me. And the worst part is, you continued to show no remorse for the things you've done. I get it, you bullied me for a good four years and you will do anything to torture my already broken soul but how dare you do that to me?"

"This isn't about Sara, you broken record. This is about John. Now let go of my shirt before I throw you to the ground like a rat," He snarled at me, I let him have it by releasing him for my grip. It's not that I was scared of him, I just don't want to deal anything today. at the same time, I want to graduate and avoid out of school suspension as much as I can.

The principal at this school has a tendency to put her nose in everyone's business.

"What about John?" I asked and he brushed off the wrinkles I've created within his shirt. He kneeled to my level and whispered.

"I know you and him are in a relationship," His words struck through my heart and the anxiety sunk in dramatically. How could you possibly know? John hasn't told anyone, I assume.

Is it obvious?

"We're not in a relationship. We're just friends," I denied everything and he shook his head.

"I know the way John acts when he is head over heels over someone he truly adores," He explains. I wave a dismissive hand.

"I swear, we're not dating," I said with a nervous smile. I tried my best not to stutter and it seemed to be working so far.

How could you possibly know?

"Are you sure about that? Then what do you call this?" He pulls out his phone and taps on the camera application.

I have a hickey.

Wait... A _hickey?!_

I don't remember John sucking on my neck! All we do is make out and talk about nothing but dumb shit. Maybe he did without me realizing. I was probably lost in his lips.

"Oh yeah. I have a bleeding disorder so I bruise easily. It's no biggie," I tried to make an excuse and by the looks of Cam's face, it wasn't very convincing.

"You're telling me you have a bruise right above your carotid artery? I'm no doctor but shouldn't you be in the hospital?" He asked and I became frustrated. This is going to be a lot more difficult than I thought. Why can't I just win for once?

This interrogation will be the death of me.

This is not how I want to die.

"Whatever! And even if it was a hickey, I would have gotten it from a girl," I said and he chuckled. It was obvious he didn't believe me and there is nothing I can do to convince him.

"Sure pal. You want my advice?"

"I don't think I do,"

"Trust me, I think you're going to need it," He placed a hand on my shoulder and I rolled my eyes.

"Whatever. Go ahead," I sighed loudly.

"Though John may not seem like it, he is a fragile frame. He gets easily attached to people and sometimes he doesn't realize those said people could be neglectful when they show their true fruits negatively. This has a lot to do with his father, who abandoned him as a child. I just want you to understand he deserves happiness as much as you do so please, don't hurt my friend," He said and I almost shed a tear. I didn't expect him to respond this way as I've come to understand the circumstances. I could never leave John the way he is shitty dad did. I don't believe I have the ability to do such a thing.

"I... I don't know how you know John so well or if you are psychic or not. I just want to know how you and John met," I asked with curiosity. He takes a deep breath.

"John and I first saw each other while waiting for our therapists to be finished with their session. We were the only kids in the waiting room since most of the psychologist and doctors there only talk to adults. We both have depression and it seems as if we had each other to talk to rather then the doctors who seemed to care but was actually just doing their job. So yeah, we go way back," He explained and it hit me. It's no wonder why they're such good friends. They have something to relate to and I should have never doubted their friendship in the first place.

But there's also the situation with Sara.

I'm still pissed.

"Oh. Well, it still doesn't justify the fact that I you stole Sara away from me," I said and he grunted with frustration.

"Sara made her own decision, you shouldn't blame me for what Sara did. Also, she needed somebody to talk to," 

"What do you mean she needed 'someone to talk to'? She could have talked to me," I gave him a puzzled expression. He shakes his head.

"That's for her to tell you and for you to not ask. Look, Smitty, stop making this all about you. Whatever happened that night has nothing to do with you or who you are. Sara really liked you and didn't know what to do. Me and her aren't even talking so you can stop with your pity party now," He scolded me and I am genuinely surprised on how I am not even offended. I felt like I didn't have the ability to retaliate anymore. I apologetically looked down.

"I'm sorry, Cam. I guess I didn't realize of this whole thing until now,"

"I'm not some narcissistic douchebag would just steals people's girls and all. I'm just here to talk and that's all I ever lived for was talking to others about their problems,"

"I'm really sorry, Cam... I am," I said, feeling terrible about everything. I don't know why I have to act so selfish all the time. I act like there isn't other people who have feelings like I do and I honestly have to change that negative trait before it gets out of hand. He smiled.

"Hey, don't worry about it. All I truly want from you is to not hurt John. That's it. And then I will leave you alone," He reassured me and patted my back. I was starting to feel better about this sticky situation. This is a lesson learned, I assume.

"You're a pretty cool, you know that?" I said lightly and he chuckled.

"So I've been told," We both share the laugh and went our own separate ways.

I still couldn't find John.

Maybe he's in the restroom.

I entered and went straight to the sink. I looked in the fingerprint stained mirror in front of me, fixing my hair a bit. Everything was quiet until-

"Woah!" I was aggressively pulled into one of the stalls. The door slammed shut and I didn't realize it was actually John who rushed me in here. He pinned me against the wall with an angered expression on his face.

Found him!

And he's pissed...

"Why the fuck-" I attempted to ask a question and he cut me off. I couldn't move my body as John had a strong hold on me.

I didn't think John would be this tough.

"You told everyone, did you?"

Great, he knows.

"N-No I didn't-"

"Don't lie to me!"


	17. Do you really want our first time to happen in the bathroom?

At this moment, I knew I was doomed. His nose scrunched and his eyes transitioned into a darker shade of blue. I know how he gets when he's angry, no one should ever have to really encounter John's mean side. I have before, several times.

"Cam knows, Mason knows, even Toby knows. The whole fucking school knows," he snapped and gripped me tighter. All I know is I have a 99.9999% chance of walking home all by myself today.

"I-I swear I didn't tell anybody. Cam just found out somehow and I told him we are not dating," My response didn't seem quite convincing. He lets me go and began pacing in the small space we had. I don't understand why he's so upset.

Is he ashamed of me?

Is he embarrassed of the fact that he likes boys?

Or that he likes me more than he should?

That fact alone in a way hurts me.

"Cam doesn't just _know_ things. He is not a psychic or anything,"

"That's what I told him! I don't know how he found out but I tried to deny it as much as I can. I don't know how everyone else found out but I tried my best to keep it a secret and me denying it didn't work at all-"

My lips completely stopped moving with the touch of his against mine. I know I should be mad at him for acting so aggressively towards me, but somehow his kiss made me comfortable and relaxed again. There's something about him I can't really put my finger on. He released me from his soft hold.

"I believe you. It's okay, I don't mind them knowing about us," He whispers, his eyes changing into a lighter shade once we made eye contact. I don't know what came on to him, but I like this a whole lot more. I can look at him all day.

"Then why did you have to slam me against the wall like that if you don't care?" I asked was pure concern. He rubs my shoulders and chest gently, massaging the areas he was squeezing earlier. His expression reminded me of a sad puppy.

"I'm sorry... I didn't realize that I don't have to be ashamed of what I have. What _we_ have. I'm so happy to have you and that's all that really matters," He consoled. I felt the urge to just jump on him and show him how much I desire his existence. I couldn't help but melt into his lips again, our tongues moving in-sinc as the urge became more steamy than expected. Just as I was about to take off my shirt and go all out, John disconnected this moment completely. This made me whine slightly.

"Smitty, do you really want our first time to happen in the germ contaminated boys bathroom?" I snapped out of my passionate thoughts and realized what I was doing. He's not wrong, we do deserve better.

Why am I only noticing how disgusting it is in here?

"You're right. It is pretty gross in here," I kept my composure and dusted off whatever was on that wall behind me. He chuckles and sighs.

God, I love that laugh.

"Go to class, Smitty. I'll see you after school," He waves, pecking my cheek once

"See ya," I smiled as I watched him walk into the hallway. I don't know what has gotten into me. I feel absolutely hypnotized just by looking at him. I honestly don't know what I would do without him.

I still don't know what I'm doing outside of class.

Fast forward to the end of school and I decided to get something at my house before heading to John's. I wanted to bring my guitar and show him a couple of songs I wrote over the weekend. They were all love songs, which I never thought I would write before. Don't worry, they're not as cheesy as they seem. There's honestly still a bit of a depressing vibe coming from them, but I still consider them to be love songs.

It's a bit more complicated than that.

I walk into my house to see my mom and dad sitting on the couch. they should be at work but I guess they decided to take the day off. This is the best opportunity to tell them about John and I. I never get to see them both at the same time, it's so rare when I do.

"Hey guys. Can I talk to you about something for a couple minutes?" I got their attention and the melancholy vibrations surrounded the room. They didn't seem happy, like at all. Did I do something wrong? Did a family member die? All of my grandparents are dead and my parents are the only family I have left.

What could have possibly happened?

"Take a seat, dear. We wanted to tell you something as well," My mom said, on the verge of tears. My curiosity peaked more than ever.

"Okay. You guys can go first, mine isn't so bad," I said, sitting on the loveseat before me. They both took a deep breath.

This isn't looking too good so far.

"We're doing alright... for now. But there isn't an easier way to tell you this and sometimes you just have to let it out before all hell breaks loose," My dad explained and my mom looked down in shame. It couldn't be that bad.

Right?

"What's going on?" I asked, so desperately waiting for the response. They need to get to the point already before I lose my mind. The suspense is numbing.

"Your mother and I are getting a divorce," My dad sighed.

Yeah... It's bad.

At that moment, I couldn't process the information into my brain correctly. I just felt offended and heartbroken. My ability to stay civil and understand became more of a disability. I stood up almost instantly.

"N-No what?! How could this happen?! Don't you guys love each other?" I snapped. My mom is already shedding tears.

"We've made this decision about a year ago and I thought it was best to stay together in this house until you graduate and move on to attend Stanford. But unfortunately, we cannot wait any longer,"

This is the biggest change of my life. Everything that I've once known as a child is now torn away from me.

"B-But where am I going to live!? Is Dad leaving?" Tears left my eyes, blurring my vision once more. My dad stood up and tried to hug me. I pushed him away, I can't be touched right now. He looked at me.

"I will be the one providing for you in this house until you're on your way to college. Your mother has found a nice home nearby so you will be able to visit her," He explained. That doesn't make it any better. I understand they always worked and hardly had a chance to talk to their only child, but I never expected this of them. Now my mom doesn't want to be around me. She doesn't love my dad anymore.

I never knew what it was like to live in a broken home and I never wanted it.

This is so new to me.

This has to be a dream.

"N-No I can't... I don't deserve this," I shook my head and ran up the stairs. My mom tried to stop me but I pushed her away metaphorically.

"Sweetie, don't-"

"-Don't talk to me for the rest of the night! I don't want you guys to find anyone else! You know... I just wanted us to be a happy family and not have to worry about a divorce," They let me go upstairs and I flopped onto my bed. I couldn't stop crying for several hours as midnight came around. My phone rang probably about a hundred times, I know it was John checking on me. I decided to answer, just to shut him up until I finished grieving by myself.

"Hello?" I asked with a cracked voice.

"Are you okay, Smitty? Didn't come by today,"

"Everything is fine, why?" I lied, I don't want him to be concerned about me.

"Nothing I just... I heard some yelling from your house. I just wanted to make sure you're okay," I keep forgetting we're next door neighbors. That doesn't help with my privacy.

"I'm... I'll be okay,"

"What's the matter? Talk to me,"

"I don't really want to think about it. I don't want to talk about it..."

"You can come over if you want. I'll try to help get your mind off of everything,"

"I'm not going to go to school tomorrow. I'm going through a lot right now,"

"I'll miss school with you,"

"No, don't. You've already missed so much and I don't want that to go on your record or anything,"

"It's fine with me. I don't want you to deal with whatever you're you are going through alone. Just meet me at my place tomorrow at around 8 a.m," I thought about it for a second. It wouldn't hurt just to talk. Maybe he can mend this pain.

"Will you be awake by then?"

"Not a chance. But... You can just lay beside me and I might wake up,"

"Okay John. See you tomorrow, idiot," I smiled.

"Goodnight, dummy,"

I don't remember ever sleeping that night.


	18. Something so bizzarely inpactful

It took me the whole night to reflect on my life as a whole. This is all happening at once. My life and existence is supposed to be anything but eventful and now I find myself more busy than I've ever been. I was told senior year was supposed to be easy and change is normal.

Good changes, at least.

Define good change...

John.

I walk into John's house and walked up his stairs as instructed. I feel guilty for missing school and yelling at my parents for their decision. Maybe it's me who is the selfish one.

It's always me.

I entered John's room with my guitar in its case. It was clear I went on a rampage by practically covering it with Kurt Cobain stickers.

I love my stickers.

John laid shirtless and flat on his stomach with his arm hanging off the bed. His scars are exposed for a second time, my heart shattered once more. I silently observed his body a bit more to find fresh ones. Thankfully, I didn't find any. His hair was tied up in a bun and his legs held on to his blanket for dear life.

This is the epitome of waking up in the morning: it isn't always gonna be pretty. But John has always been the prettiest boy in the world. Am I just saying that just because John and I are in a relationship? Perhaps but I always thought he had the best looks in town.

I sat on the near edge of his bed across from his limp figure. I unzipped the guitar case and pulled it out as quiet as possible. Checking to see if it was tuned, I began strumming the first four bars of Iris by Goo Goo Dolls. His face scrunched with dissatisfaction and he kicked me off the bed. I landed on the floor with a yelp. He sat up sharply and sprung out of bed to kneel down to my level.

"Holy fuck–Are you okay?" He asked with concern. My back was starting to ache but it didn't bother me too much.

"I'll live," I used his footboard to pull me up from the floor. He brushed off my shirt.

"You really shouldn't spook me like that when I'm sleeping. I get kind of defensive when while in dreamland," He sighed, pulling on one of his black shirts, which was inside out and backwards.

"Kind of?" I rubbed my back followed by my neck. He placed his hands on my hips and gently pulled me close.

"Aw man... I feel bad now. I'll kiss where it hurts," He whispers, staring deeply into my eyes. I melted into his stare and narrowed my eyes with adorn.

"My lips ache for you," I cooed, earning the softest pecks from his lips. I pressed against his body as we both casually flop onto the bed, my legs wrapped around his waist. I was hesitant about putting all of my weight on him, but the kiss distracted me. My heart felt at ease, I almost completely forgot about my parents’ divorce–

Oh...

My parents’ divorce...

"Tell me all your problems. I'm here for you," He asks in regards to me breaking the kiss. I rolled over to where I was laying beside him on my back.

"This isn't going to be easy to explain..."

I let him in on the whole situation with great detail. A few tears were shed and he had the same expression throughout the whole conversation. I felt like I truly poured my heart out.

"...And just like that, they've decided to break up without me knowing,"

He sighed. "That's harsh,"

"I know. And now I just feel so... angry," I felt my blood boil slightly, this is already is starting to take a toll on my current mood. It takes a puff of his vape.

"At least your mom isn't leaving you forever," he said and I looked at him.

Did I not explain properly?

"Yes, she is," I sat up.

"Are you still going to be able to talk to her? Is she going to be there for your special events?"

"Yes–"

"–Then you should be fine. I understand it's hard, but it's worse when your parents just leaves without a trace," He said, I scoffed at him. I don't understand why he is making the severity of the situation not so bad. He's acting like I'm not going through a lot right now.

"But it still sucks, John!"

"It's going to be alright. Just understand your parents love you and I love you—" He completely stopped his sentence and I looked at him. Is what I'm hearing true?

Love?

"Y–You love me?" I asked, laying down to face him. My excitement went up to the max as I realized John felt more for me than what I thought. He furrowed his eyebrows.

"I think I do," My hopes were instantly knocked down. He can't be joking, he can't just 'think' loves me.

"You have to be certain about something before you say something so bizarrely impactful," I scolded and he brushed his thumb against my cheek. I felt warm against his touch, nobody has ever looked at me so sincere until now.

"I don't know. What I do know is in my deathbed, all I'll see is you," He whispered. That statement seemed more depressing than consoling.

"What does that even mean?"

"It means I'll never stop thinking about you. Even with my last breath," He said and my anxiety ruined the moment completely. He seemed upset and hurt about something.

"John... A–Are you okay?"

"I'm peachy," He said with sheer transparency.

"You sound really... Sad,"

"I'm not sad. Just empty. But somehow, you fill all the holes that keep me up at night," His attention was to the ceiling and I use my hands to gently face him towards me. I kissed him once and pressed our foreheads against each other.

"I'll make sure you'll never fade,"

"I appreciate it, Smitty," week exchange saliva for the 50th time today. I can never stop doing this. This is such a different feeling.

"And I guess that means I love you too," I couldn't help but say it. I know this is truly a fact. He gasped genuinely.

"You do?" He asked, a small blush appearing on his already rosey cheeks.

"Absolutely," He smiled. I was expecting a long and heartfelt kiss but received a quick forehead kiss instead. He gets up and leaves his room. I felt slightly in shock.

"John! Where you going? This is an important moment in our relationship!" I shouted.

"Oh spare me, for I haven't taken my morning piss," He calls out with a British accent. I bursted out with laughter, I don't think I should be laughing this hard.

"Oh my god, John!" My stomach started to hurt. I could hear him pissing with the door wide open.

Jesus Christ.

"How are you able to kiss me when I haven't brushed my teeth? You nasty cunt," I heard him from down the hall.

I couldn't ask for anyone better.


	19. This affected John more than it has affected me

A week goes by and my father is already a single parent. Tomorrow is the day my mom moves into her new house and leaves my dad and I forever. The thought crumbled my soul entirely, unfortunately there's nothing I can do to change their minds. This made me miss so much school. I believe my grades are non-existent.

I spent all morning venting to John in his bedroom. I feel like I'm not ready to watch my mom disappear from my life entirely. Every minute is worse than the last, I haven't been myself. I know I'm just overdoing it. John and I finally went downstairs to grub a bit. His mom walked into the kitchen with her work uniform on.

"Hey Mom," John said as I took a seat at the table. She planted a kiss on his cheek while he opens the fridge.

"Hey, kiddos. Whatchya up to this morning? Aren't you supposed to be in school, Smitty?" She looks directly at me. I looked down in guilt.

"Something came up," I whispered.

"Okay. That's okay," She reassured me but I sat there awkwardly anyway. I know I've been the worst at this whole school thing but way to rub it in. John scraped off the blue nail polish from his middle finger using his thumb. I could tell he wanted to chew on it, which is a bad thing since he has rather thin nails. I smacked his hand gently and took a sip of Coca-Cola.

"Mom, Smitty and I are in a relationship," John confessed out of the blue. I spewed soda down the front of mine and John's shirt. I sharply turned my head to look at him, earning a slight pain subsequently. I don't expect her to be angry with us or resent our decision but there could have been more built up waiting to this moment.

As expected, Dana got up and cheered with excitement.

"Oh my God! This is so exciting! My baby boy is in love!" Exclaimed Dana. She planted a million kisses on John's face and squeeze me tight. My shirt is soaked with Coke, it made me feel physically uncomfortable. Emotionally and mentally, I'm alright.

"Mom-"

"-This is something I've been waiting on for a while now. I've always known you would be the one for him. Do you boys want some wine?" She opened the refrigerator door and pulled out a rather large bottle of some dessert wine. I waved a dismissal hand.

"I'm good. I don't drink,"

"I'll have a glass," John raised his hand and I looked at him questionably. He smiled as he watched his mom pour a large amount into the glass. I'm not sure if John's going to drink that all.

He will, most likely.

"You both can share this one," She carefully placed it in front of us. John took a big gulp and offered me some. I decided it was best to drink my soda, even though I am doused in it. He pulled me closer to where his head rested on my shoulder and he caressed the palm of my hand using the tip of his thumb.

"I love him, Mom. I can already feel it," He hummed softly, a sparkle in his eyes. As he said that, I felt my heart skip a beat. I've never felt so warm and happy in my entire life. Just the way he said that so... Sincere and determined. This is something he's felt for a while and I don't know where I would be without him. My face is red hot and I can already feel the tears welling up.

"Don't ever doubt your emotions. They can be a lot stronger than what they seem. Always remember the goodness in your hearts," She held both of our hands tightly and smiled. John looked at me and pressed his soft and gentle lips against my jawline. Expecting more admiration from him, he gets up from his chair and walks towards the hallway. sometimes I don't understand why he does this. This has been happening a lot. At least warn me before you get up and leave.

I need to stop acting like a female on her menstrual cycle.

PMSing isn't what I do around here.

"I'll be right back. I'll be on the John if you need me. It sucks to know they named a toilet after me," He shouts from down the hall. Dana and I shared a chuckle before the mood began dying down. I still couldn't stop thinking about the situation at home. I just feel this disconnection for my family and are not doing anything to help me right now. Surprisingly, my dad has been taking it the hardest out of all of us. He became depressed and heartbroken. I could say the same for myself except I'm a more angry than hurt.

"Hey buddy, why the long face?" Dana snapped me out of my thoughts.

"Do you want the truth or the sugar coated version?" I asked. I don't know how to sugar coat something like this. I can definitely try, but it won't be very successful.

"You can always be honest around me. I won't judge you," She reassured me, taking my hand with comfort. It's best to tell the truth then push away something like this.

"My folks splitted up," I sighed shallowly.

"I am so sorry to hear that. It's never easy,"

"Tomorrow afternoon, I'll be living with my dad and my mom will be moving into a house nearby. I-It just seems like she will be further away then what they say," The tears began blurring my vision. She pulled me in for a hug, rubbing my back in circles.

"Believe it or not, divorces are so tough on the parents, but a disaster with children. When John's father left us, he didn't say goodbye to him. He didn't care to make sure John was okay or couldn't ask if I could afford being a single parent. He just hopped got into his old Buick and drove off without a single word," She elaborated, I covered my mouth with shock. This is brand new to me, I didn't know he left like that. It's no wonder why John suffers with so many mental issues. My heart hurts for both of them.

My situation can be a lot worse.

"I-I didn't know it was that bad. I know his dad left but I didn't know how he did,"

"It was hard at first and it can still be tough to deal with in the present day. This affected John more than it affected me. He has somewhat of an... What's the word... An attachment issue because of it and he's afraid of getting hurt again," A tear escaped my eyes, and I let them flow.

Poor thing. He deserves better. He doesn't deserve me. I don't know why he would ever want me. All I do is talk about myself when I never asked him about his health. Sure, every once in awhile I would sense some despair in his voice and ask him if he's okay. He always responds with 'I'm fine' or 'I'm peachy'.

"I promise I won't ever abandon him the way his father did,"

"I know you won't. You're such a good and talented boy with a bright future. You already know how to make my boy smile and that's all that matters to me," Her eyes crinkled at the corners. I felt better already.

"Thank you, Dana. That makes me feel a sense of forgiveness towards my parents, if you will," I said and she patted my back.

"It's no problem. I'm going to go change into my comfy clothes," She comforted and headed towards a room. I think I'm going to be just fine. I have John and his cool mom to look out for me whenever I need it. As long as I have them by my side, I think I'll survive this.

It's going to be okay.

"What did I miss?" John joined us shortly after with a confused expression on his face. I put my hand in his and pulled him in a tight embrace. He yelped as he wasn't expecting it.

"An entire heartfelt moment," I whispered.

"Aw man. I missed the wholesomeness," He laughed and I looked at him. His cheeks started to dimple up. Nobody has ever looked at me the way John has.

"There's a lot more wholesomeness to go, my friend,"


	20. You and John are already meant for eachother

A/N- semi-important author's note at the end of this chapter.

\--

"Are you sure you have to go?" The words choked up in my throat as I handed my mom the last box. She doesn't have to go. She already has a home here. I promise I will pay more attention.

I became physically desperate at this point.

Thankfully, I had John come over to help me out. He has always been a great support.

"You have nothing to worry about. I'm only a block away," She caressed my cheek and smiled. It didn't seem like this situation bothered her, not one bit. I hugged her tightly, hoping this would convince her to stay longer. I don't understand why she wants to go so bad.

And so fast.

"I'll miss you, mom. I know it doesn't seem like it but I really do love you," The tears didn't stop leaving my eyes. She rubbed my back with comfort, oddly enough she didn't even shed a tear. She probably wants to leave and have her fun. I'm so mad at that fact.

"I love you too. I always will. Make sure you come by and visit, okay?" She literally tore away from my hug and walked into her car. She didn't even say goodbye to my dad. He's inside, self-loathing in his office. I know this isn't right. She could have left in a more understanding and sentimental way. I have to go after her. I have to confront her. What she is doing is not right.

Unfortunately, John completely prevented me from running out into the street to chase after her car like the idiot I am.

"John! Let go of me!" I hysterically bellowed, resisting his grasp. It was obvious he is much stronger than me. Especially during vulnerable moments like this.

"Let her go, Smitty. She's going to be okay," He murmured with difficulty and I gave up completely. I sobbed harshly against John's black long sleeved shirt as he held me close as ever.

She's already gone and I have no reason to go after someone who doesn't want to see me again.

\--

"How are you feeling, Smit?" John slurred, wrapping his arm along my shoulders as I rested my body against him. My eyes were on fire, but the blank effect occurring inside my head distracted me entirely.

John gave me weed.

Plain and simple.

"I'm starving," I groaned, intentively staring at the Marvel posters hanging from my wall. The drool drizzled from my mouth carelessly as John handed me a nearly empty bag of Lays. I laid under the covers as John's chest is completely exposed.

"This is the last of the chips. Go nuts," He grumbled and I downed the crumbs like there was no tomorrow. This is truly the greatest sensation I've ever had, I wonder if sex is better.

Sex is always better, right?

"Is this helping, like, at all?" He asked for the millionth time tonight. This is my first time ever smoking weed and I haven't felt so at ease until right now.

"I don't even remember what happened today... Do you?" I genuinely wondered as I tried to think about the last six hours. It seems almost impossible at the moment.

"Um... Yeah but let's just forget about it," He looks down towards his hands, fidgeting his finders a bit before taking a hit of his vape. This is certainly the definition of spontaneous.

"This is... fucking fantastic,"

"It's only medical sativa. I take this when my mental illness gets worse throughout the day," He explained. I tried my best to not think too much about a word he was saying.

"We... We should do this more often," I admired his eyes and pressed a chaste kiss against his cheek. Everything good is fucking enhanced and I can only wonder if other sensations are equally heightened.

"Are you sure we are able to do this in your bedroom?" Asks John, taking a gulp from the SunnyD carton.

"My dad said it's the only way to shut me up... Whatever that means," I trailed off, sitting up and inconstantly petting John's severely tangled locks.

"I'm gonna get more snacks downstairs,"

I wandered down the stairs as if I turned into a zombie to see my dad sitting at the table with one small lightbulb illumining above him. It's 12:45 a.m. I don't expect him to be awake at this time.

"Hey, dad. Aren't you supposed to be asleep?" I grabbed his attention.

"Hey, champ, I couldn't sleep. Take a seat," He pulled the chair from beneath the table I joined him.

"Does it smell bad? We can stop if you want?" I asked in regards to the stench of weed. He shakes his head.

"No, it's fine," He intentively glanced towards his full cup of coffee. I gradually felt sobered up and my tragic thoughts arose in all at the same time. I felt the obligation to tell my dad everything.

I have so much to say.

"I just wanted to say that I'm sorry for yelling in your face when you broke the news to me. I understand now that you're just as hurt like me,"

"I'll be fine. As long as you're okay then I'm all good," He consoled. The guilt was relentless and I can't help but ponder this further.

"I'm apologizing anyway. You don't deserve any more hate than I have been giving you," I murmured. He pulled me in and kept me close. I haven't had a heart to heart moment with my own dad before.

"Son, you're as high as a kite right now. Now you don't need to reconcile with me. Everything is fine. All we need is time," He lets me go. A couple of things wandered my mind that I need to clear up before I break down again.

"Does Mom love somebody else?" I asked. He sighed loudly, I can already feel the tension.

"I don't know. But as long as she's happy, right?"

"Were we not good enough for her?" I chose to interrogate further as my feelings began taking control over this.

"We were but things change. Life shifts in a heartbeat. We both came to a conclusion that you would be better off with me until you head over to Stanford this fall," He elaborated further. That still doesn't answer my question. It was obvious he knows as much as I do. I might as well change the subject.

"I wanted to tell you both something before you told me about the divorce. This is something that means a lot to me and has been happening for a while,"

"What's going on?" He wondered, my breath quickened as my stress arose immediately.

"John and I are in love," I released the truth and he didn't even react. He just nodded and sat still.

Is he in shock?

It seems like the complete opposite.

"I figured as much," He grinned. I never thought it would've happened this way.

"You're not mad at me? You're not going to yell at me?"

He shook his head slowly "Why would I yell at you over something that means a lot to you? As you can tell, I am nothing like your mother," He responded and we shared a small chuckle. I felt a weight fall from my shoulders.

"But I didn't expect you to be okay with the fact that I'm dating my best friend who so happens to be a guy,"

"I'm fine with it if it makes you happy. Besides, I know you and John are already meant for each other. You guys never left each other's sides for several years now and I didn't want to assume. But I'm happy you finally found somebody to make you happy,"

"I appreciate it," I hugged him again. I'm glad he doesn't hate me for this. I didn't expect for this day to get any better.

It's incredible, really.

"Just remember to use protection," He said out of nowhere which caused me to actually choke on my own oxygen. My face was red hot. I shushed him so John wouldn't hear from upstairs.

"Dad, I know. We don't even do that," I whispered. He pointed a finger.

"I'm just letting you know. That is all I ask from you. I know he has always been good to you and I'm glad you are understanding him more now,"

I nodded.

This is awkward and I should leave now-

"You would tell me if you were having sex with my son, would you?" He literally yelled for John to hear, I heard him explode with laughter from upstairs. I stood up hastily as the embarrassment consumed me as a whole.

"All right Dad! Good night!" I started to run up the stairs. John continued to laugh hard.

"I have a box of condoms if you need it!"

"Dear god!"


	21. You don't want a high school dropout to be your boyfriend

"You guys have been dating for over two months already. Have you guys done it yet?" Cam asked alongside me. He made the odd decision of walking me home while he triumphantly kicks the same fucking rock for a whole mile. I'm not bothered by it. Kicking the same irrelevant piece of stone for a good five blocks requires a ton of determination.

Actually... Yeah, I am fucking complaining.

Fuck Cam and his stupid lifeless rock.

But I digress.

"If you're asking if we had sex yet, the answer is no. We haven't,"

"Really? I would assume you guys would have done it already," He seemed genuinely appalled by the fact that we haven't felt the desperate need to fuck like the horny, reckless teenagers we are. I'm not upset, just surprised.

"I mean... I wanted to," I muttered. It's not a lie, I wouldn't lie about something so near and dear to my heart.

It's personal.

"You're just afraid of being a bottom," He snickered and I felt my cheeks growing immensely warm by the millisecond. It was severely unexpected and I can't wrap my head around his sentence. Yes, I know about sex and I want to experience it eventually but the major details just boggle my mind completely.

"I am not going to be bottom," I pointed a finger as I took a swig of my Red Bull.

"You're telling me you're willing to fuck John's ass?" He erupted with laughter and I spluttered my drink all over the pavement. I have a problem with that Cam was wheezing at this point.

Damb I hate you...

"Okay, you may be right. I just love him and I want to show him how much I care about him and I don't know how to," I soothed the mood for a bit, feeling limited as a person and as a boyfriend. I don't do much for him and that fact alone brings me down completely.

"John is a highly minimalistic person. You don't have to do much to express your feelings," He made an attempt to cheer me up, my head hung low.

"Yeah but I want to do more," I mumbled.

"As I said, you don't have to do much. Besides, ever since John dropped out of school–" I looked at him sharply stopped dead in my tracks.

Is what I'm hearing the truth?

"–He did what?" I nearly shouted and continued to walk towards my neighborhood. I'm completely dumbfounded this.

"You didn't know?" He shrugged, stating the obvious. All I can do is just ask a fuck ton of questions.

"When did he drop out?" I began rubbing my temples. He patted my back, understanding the questionable stress I am enduring.

"Apparently he dropped out a little after his suspension was over. He walked in the school and negotiated with the teachers. And his mom signed a few papers," He explained as if nothing should be bothering me.

How can John hide that from me? It's such a big deal to me and I would have accepted it either way if he was honest with me. I have to talk to him about this. For some reason, I feel like using comfortable with me anymore. What if he chooses cam over me? So many questions raced inside my head, which developed a tension headache as a result. I have to leave before I do something I regret.

"Okay uh... I'll see you on Monday," I waved him goodbye and ran towards my house. He smiled and waved back.

I wasn't mad or jealous or anything like that. I'm just concerned. Why would John have the need to drop out of school? He said it himself that his grades are more than proficient and always encourages education. I just want to genuinely know why. And I can't believe he never told me.

Were all the signs there?

I let myself into his room and there was an amused expression on his face. She seemed genuinely surprised about something that is not important to me right now.

"Hey, Smit. You cannot believe what I saw today–"

"–You dropped out of Elixir High, didn't you?" I interrupted him completely and he furrowed his eyebrows. His smile dropped almost instantaneously.

"Nice to see you too, asshole..." he responded, sounding quite offended at the fact that I cut him off. I didn't care. I was serious.

"Why didn't you tell me? This is such a big deal," I nearly exclaimed as he began walking away from me completely. It was clear he didn't want to hear me.

Blocking me out isn't the best option right now, John.

"Trust me, you don't want a high school dropout to be your boyfriend," A melancholy tone saturated his voice. I was beginning to feel bad for yelling at him like that. He hasn't done anything wrong. I'm sure he does it mean to deceive me or anything. He was probably just trying to protect me.

"I don't care if you're not in high school anymore. It would have been nice to know," I wrapped my arms around his waist and buried my face in his chest.

"I'm sorry. I really am. I'm just afraid of setting the wrong example for you,"

"It's not a big deal. I just want to know why," I took a seat on his bed, watching him being lost in his own thoughts.

"School isn't helping my mental health," He looks down and I shake my head. I have a learning disability, school is my worst nightmare. It doesn't mean I have the right to drop out completely. Granted, my grades are completely discombobulated. But that does not justify anything.

"I know school sucks, but–"

"–It doesn't just suck, Smitty. It is so hard to explain–School isn't for me. That is all I have to say," He seemed genuinely annoyed by the retaliation I am giving him. I became worried all of the sudden. I don't want him to be upset with me. I don't want to come off as a selfish, narcissistic asshole. I clung onto his arm.

"Please don't be mad at me," I nearly begged. He pecked my forehead gently, sighing subsequently.

"I'm not mad at you I'm just... I can't explain it. I can't tell you," He hesitated, leaving me worried and confused.

What the fuck is he talking about?

"Why not?"

"Just... Drop it, Smitty" His frustration grew drastically.

"John, I–"

"Drop it before I feel any worse. This is starting to become so hard for me. I–I care about you and your feelings, okay?!" He shouted loud enough to concern the whole neighborhood. I took a step back and realized there's more to the situation.

There's someone else.

This feeling is worse than the time Sara dissed me at prom because I actually love John and don't want him to leave.

"Did... Did you cheat on me?" My voice cracked. I could already feel the tears well up in my eyes as I prepared for the absolute worst. He gasped.

"What the–Smitty no! I know it sounds like that but I can reassure you that's definitely not the case. I would never do that! I just..." He trails off and pulls me closer, wiping the tears drizzling down my cheeks "I just want you to know that I love you and don't want you to resent me over dropping out,"

I genuinely felt guilty for stressing him out. I don't know why he's so worried, I would never hate him for something like this. He's so sweet, he doesn't deserve me.

"I won't ever resent you. You've done nothing wrong. And... I'm sorry for overreacting,"

"It's all good," He leaves a small kiss on my lips and smiles, the warmth from my chest ignited furiously.

For some odd reason, I felt the need to break the question of 'bumping uglies' to John. He should know that I want this to happen already. I just don't know how to say it.

"H–Hey um... Do you ever want to... I don't know... Further what we have?" I shook my head toward the failed attempt to actually have a good pillow talk moment.

"What are you talking about?"

"Nevermind, it's pretty dumb," I gave up altogether. I know if I keep asking, it'll be too weird. The moment just got better, I don't want it to be any more awkward than what it is now.

"You can always tell me things. I won't judge you and you know that,"

"I-I–" My stutter came back strong as ever, preventing me from speaking entirely.

"Come on, Smitty! Spit it out!"

"I'm ready,"

"You're... Ready? For... what?" He looked at me, confused as ever.

"I want you to... take my virginity– I'm just going to sound dumb,"

"..."


	22. Jay out of fucking nowhere

The hesitation in John's vague response obliterated me as my anxiety felt the need to visit yet again. Asking someone to take your virginity is worst than anything I've ever asked for.

I shouldn't be this uncomfortable.

It's only John.

I don't know...

"It's fine if you want me to take your virginity. But I have to know if you are you sure you're ready to take this step?" He shrugged. I shook my head with astonishment as I didn't expect that. I manifest the words in my head as I felt completely unprepared. I know all of the answers, I just don't know how to say it.

Why is my mind so goddamn complicated?

"Y-Yes. I... I want to know how it's like to connect with you in a different way-I don't even know what I'm saying," I choked on my own words once again. I thought I was getting better at that.

I guess not.

"Okay. Put on your sweater," He aggressively tosses my coat at my face, my entire body recoiled from the abrupt and somewhat unnecessary throw. I pulled on the sweater and fixed my hair enough for it to seem decent.

"Why? Where are we going?"

"To the store,"

"For what?!" I tilted my head and he opens his bedroom door.

"We're going to need to buy some things before we actually do this," He checks his wallet for presumably extra cash. If it's condoms he wants, I already have that covered.

"My dad says he has a box of condoms," I suggested, it's clear he didn't accept my offer.

Jokes on you, idiot.

"We're not going to be taking rusty ass condoms from your daddy. The probably like 50 years old by now. Plus, we need to get some lube," He elaborated further and I felt genuinely confused and offended.

Lube?

Isn't that what older ladies use before sex because they're dry and overused?

I don't need lube.

"Lube?! You want me to go to the store with you to get that?!" I nearly shouted.

"You're probably going to need two bottles of it, for sure," He looked in his wallet a second time. I pointed towards him.

"Excuse me, mister! I'm not fragile nor am my delicate! I refuse to use any lubrication," I crossed my arms and he exploded with a fit of giggles. I couldn't understand what's so funny.

Was it something I said?

Obviously.

"What's so funny?"

"Have you watched any gay porn or have any basic knowledge about gay sex at all?" He continued to cackle towards my ignorant remarks towards lubrication.

It wasn't that funny, I think.

"No I don't, you fuc-"

"-Don't get all hurt. If you want to do this, you're going to have to prevent yourself from getting injured. I care about you and I don't want to end up ripping you while making love to you. Do you understand?"

Nope.

But okay.

"Fine. Just make this less weird for me. I don't want to bump into my parents or my friends at the store with a couple of bottles of lube in my hand,"

"I will not be making any promises. Now let's go,"

\--

You guessed it, the trip to the store was as awkward as expected.

Searching for John's condom and lube preference is worst.

God above, end my suffering.

"Are you sure we are of age to buy these kinds of things?" I looked at my shoes as I tried my absolute hardest to not scream at the very top of my lungs.

"This store promotes safe sex involving teenagers. Of course, they are going to allow us to buy condoms," He grinned.

"Our school gives away free condoms and lube," I scoffed quietly. As if walking into school for these types of things would make it any less awkward.

What has this world become of?

I want out.

"Quality, Smit. Quality," He belatedly made up his mind as we exited this godforsaken isle.

Took you long enough.

"Smitty! John!" I abruptly overhear somebody shouting my name from a distance. I turn my head swiftly toward the source

It was Jay, running towards me and only me with open arms.

He expects me to catch him.

Welp, I've lived a pretty good life.

"Jay! No-" I braced myself tightly. It obviously wasn't good enough due to the fact that Jay completely knocked me down while he landed on top of me. His full weight covered me, causing me to groan toward a sharp throbbing pain swelling in my already aching head. John laughed instead of helping out.

You're a great boyfriend, cunt.

"I miss you, Smitty!" Jay exclaimed, squeezing me tighter. I felt like I lost all oxygen as I tried my very best to push him away. He isn't very heavy, I'm just as weak as you'd expect.

"I just saw you today at school!"

"Oh yeah... okay bye!" He gets up and somehow flawlessly dashes out of the store without falling on his face.

How the fuck-

Jay out of nowhere-

And nobody else noticed me getting trampled but John.

Yeah... That makes sense.

"That was close," I sighed, referring to the suspicious items in John's hands. I'm not sure if Jay even looked at John once. I dusted off my pants.

"What was?"

"He almost saw the stuff in your hands! Why didn't you hide it?" I pointed. I'm not ashamed of the fact, I just believe there should be a more confidential way to buy these things.

"We are in a public place. I don't need to hide anything," He shrugs like it was no problem. This shows that this isn't his first rodeo. He probably has done this countless times and hasn't told me.

But why would he be buying these like it's the first time?

John is probably a virgin and doesn't care about what other people think.

I wish I was more like John.

"Nevermind let's... Let's just go home before anyone else sees us,"

"Whatever,"


	23. Sheer fucking delight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Smut warning and trigger warning (scars).

Fast-forward to John's room and I already feel like pacing. I am genuinely horrified yet certain towards my decision. I know if I don't do this, I'll regret it later. This has been on my mind for a while now and I just want to get this over with before I start overthinking again.

The part I am the most worried about is knowing John is going to see me totally nude and that alone kills me. I'm so fat and ugly, I don't mean this in an attention whoreish kind of way.

Self-hate really blows when you want to try out a satisfactory relationship without completely shattering a mirror in the process.

"Okay, Smit," John brings up a wooden chair from the kitchen and sits on it. I lay sideways on his bed, wondering why he isn't joining me on here. Isn't sex supposed to be on the bed?

I'm so lost.

Oh... I realize what he's trying to do.

"Wait-you want me to ride you?" I sat up quickly, earning lightheadedness subsequently.

"You get to lead since you've never done this before," He responds carelessly as ever. This idea is difficult for me since I know I'll be more of the center of attention now that I'm gonna be sitting on John.

"U-uh... What if my legs give out or something?"

"I'll stretch you and hold onto you. Face me, it'll be fine," He murmured reassuringly.

"Okay," I made an attempt to undress in front of him, it didn't work out. I hesitated, I want to leave.

Come on, Jaren...

You're better than this.

Maybe not.

I know I'm not

"I've never undressed fully in front of you," I looked away with shame, assuming his eyes are now on me. He placed his hands on my sides and pulled me tenderly onto his lap.

"You don't need to. The waist down will do just fine," He hummed softly. As he planted soft pecks on my neckline, goosebumps appeared on my skin.

"O-Okay,"

He watched as I undid my belt buckle and took off my jeans and boxers all in one go. His cheeks grew pink with a blush, his reaction seemed realistic.

I don't know how he would ever be attracted to me.

Focus, Jaren. Focus.

John did the same, exposing his entire lower half. Both of our pants were at our ankles at this point. His older scars distracted me emotionally and I'm not too sure if this is even helping. I should be focusing on his rather unusual large dick, which poked the inside of my thigh slightly. He's clearly aroused and I am here overthinking again.

This wasn't supposed to happen.

"What's wrong?" He noticed my pondering. I'm not sure if I should be honest or not. I have to address this before it escalates further.

"I... Please don't be mad but... Your scars," I braced myself for the absolute worst. I received a caress to my cheek instead.

"Don't look at them. Look into my eyes. Kiss me," He drew me in with a profound, passionate kiss, embracing me with his strong arms. Almost instantaneously, I am relaxed and fully immersed in anything he has to offer. He takes out the bottle of lube from the bag and pours a reasonable amount on his fingertips. He reached around my waist and applied the freezing cold gel to my entrance.

I haven't jumped like this since I watch the Conjuring.

Why is it so cold?

"This may burn," His breath is already shuttering as I looked at him puzzled as ever.

First, it's cold. Now it's hot?

What is this?

Icy Hot?

I felt an odd stinging sensation pulsating into my hole as John's fingertip penetrated me slowly, causing me to groan softly. He began pumping and it was painstakingly slow, like molasses. I panted as I held onto John's neck with my arms wrapped around it. My face soaked with sweat is now buried in his shoulder.

I can now see why we bought this lube.

For Christ's sake! This is only one finger.

Why am I acting like such a pussy?

Perhaps if I had a pussy, it would've been easier to fuck.

Shut up, mind. This conversation is everything but arousing.

After eventually composing myself, he decided it was time to gradually add two more fingers and move them around for what I assume is stretching. It was obvious he was beginning to enjoy this according to his heavy breathing patterns.

"I-I think I'm ready," I breathed, referring to actual penetration. In all honesty, I don't know if I am ready or not. I simply want to know how John feels like.

That's all.

"Okay just... stand over it and slowly put it inside you," He panted slightly as he bit his saliva coated lip. I observed him as he nonchalantly slips on a rubber. This made me question his past experience with sex in general. I should ask if he ever did this before.

Whatever, we don't have time for that.

I accepted his offer, hovering my hole over his mushroom head. I gazed sensually into his narrowed eyes as I lowered myself.

"Ah-fuck," His eyes rolled back as his head dangled from the back of the chair. I felt myself slowly surrounding the base of his pulsating cock as several lengthy moans and groans escaped our agape lips. It became less painful and more pleasurable as I began bucking my hips gradually. I quickened the pace slightly and began giving nothing but high pitched moans with pleasure and pain all at the same time. It was an odd mixture, yet I savored it more than I could ever think. I didn't care if I sounded like a female pornstar, I'm having the time of my life.

"How is it-fuck you feel so good," He panted, digging his blue manicured nails into my exposed flesh. This only enhanced this wondrous feeling occurring everywhere in my body.

It's so hard to explain.

"I-I think-ah-I'm used to it," I placed eager smacks of kisses on his lips as I continued to bounce up and down. I can see the zest in his eyes as he squeezed my hips tighter.

John wants so much more and so do I.

"I wanna do so much to you," He growled under his breath. I made a trail of pecks leading to his ear and whispered:

"Then do it,"

This sentence alone ceased all movement between John and me, something sparked in his mind. To my surprise, he managed to stand while he was still inside me. He gently laid me on the bed and put most of his weight on me, resuming what we started. I was still nervous and utterly inexperienced but somehow I wanted him more than ever.

"Ah-John!" I cried out with sheer delight as he pounded himself into me, leaving small nibbles down my neck.

"Fuck-" I paused for a moment while I allowed myself to remove my shirt, chucking it across the room because why the fuck not? I almost forgot about my self-hate.

I am more than happy.

"John, I-I-" I felt a rather different sensation manifesting within my lower body, causing me to pant harder. I am finally experiencing my first actual orgasm without the need to touch myself or regret every last second of it. I believe this is John's first as well.

"Ah fuck, baby," He groaned as I spewed a load of cum onto my stomach, nearly screaming towards the intensity. He quickened his pace as I watched the veins from his neck and forehead bulge. His bleached locks are now drenched with sweat as his whole body was. After a few harsh thrusts, John came inside the condom. Grunts and slurs left his lips as he collapsed on top of me, leaving the sweetest marks on my exposed chest. I tried my very best to catch my breath as he did the same. I moaned softly as he pulled out his half flaccid dick.

I have to admit, that was fucking insane.

"John, marry me," I said out of pure ecstasy, not caring about the consequences. He paused and laid beside me. He looked at the ceiling, pondering.

This doesn't look good.

At all.

"I don't know if that's possible,"

"What the fuck does that mean? You don't want to be with me forever?"

"Um..."


	24. Forever is such a long time to you and I'm fucking broken

There's no other feeling to describe when someone who you emotionally invested into decides to take advantage of your love and time. It's a hurt like no other. It's damaging, and there's absolutely nothing you can do to repair such a discombobulated situation. I know I couldn't look at him. I know I may be overdoing it. But if I stay and allow this to slide, I'm not gonna be okay.

I am already anything but okay.

"Why?" I asked out of pure curiosity.

"Why what?" He looked directly towards the wall, obviously trying to change the subject. I can't believe how childish he's acting. I thought he was more mature than this.

I shouldn't talk shit because I am probably the most immature person ever lived.

You win this one, John.

"Why wouldn't you want to marry me in the future? Do you even want to be with me forever?" I spoke with a melodramatic tone. I should probably stop before I start acting like a teenage girl who just started her period.

Maybe I am PMSing.

I need to stop getting distracted.

This is such a serious moment.

"Forever is such a long time, Smitty. I don't think you understand a word you're saying," He retaliated.

Yes, of course.

I'm just playing stupid, right?

I'm in the nude, I have the right to be vulnerable.

"I understand that I want to be with you for the rest of my life. And if you don't, then I'm out of here," I quickly stood up and pulled on my clothes. I'm tired of this, I couldn't confront this any longer. It was starting to get to me and quite frankly, I don't feel like I deserve this. Maybe I am acting too over dramatic but I can't help what I feel.

The emotions are taking over again.

Fucking fantastic!

"Babe, please-" He nearly begged, walking towards me fully clothed. I halted in my footsteps and immediately stopped him.

"-No! Give me one reason why I should stay? You could have just told me you didn't want to be with me _BEFORE_ having sex with me. I knew there was a catch to our 'marvelous' relationship," I gestured with air quotes.

"Are you breaking up with me?" John nearly whispered, his voice cracking and his tears welling. It was clear he gave up the fight instantly, taking a seat on the bed and looking down with shame. This alone made me feel guilty and heartbroken. I know John means well but there's nothing he can do to fix this. I take a long, deep breath and took a step closer. My brain is telling me to scream _'fuck off!'_ and walk away forever. But my heart tells me _'you're going to lose him if you don't stop now and that's your biggest fear'._

I can now understand why relationships in movies are so complicated when emotions are involved.

Perhaps I'm not meant to be in a relationship.

"Yes, well... No... I don't know but all I know is I don't want to see you right now and I don't think I can get over this," I was debating if I should kiss him or not. The urge to do so was there, but I know that if I do I'll be a sobbing mess.

"Don't leave," He asked with urgency. He swallowed as burning hot tears flowed down his red cheeks. "Please?" One look in his eyes told me everything. I could see the desperation in his gaze clearly as if he was speaking his thoughts and emotions aloud. I fought with myself over and over and over again until I realized I couldn't stay. Not during a time like this.

"Goodbye, John," I left his house, erupting into a fit of sobs before I made it to my house. I know it's fucked up to leave him like this and I know I'm probably doing the wrong thing here. But not even the steady stream of liquid trickling down my face could cure my hurt for him. After all, he didn't want me.

I love John, undoubtedly. I just can't understand why he wouldn't want me. I'm guessing he would want someone else.

Someone better.

Someone more handsome.

Someone with experience and confidence.

Someone thinner.

And most of all, someone who doesn't ponder about the small things in life.

All of those are everything I'm not.

I don't blame John for not wanting to be with me anymore.

I make my way inside, noticing my dad vacuuming the living room. His facial expressions showed happiness; I don't want to intrude on any sort of joy happening in this household. I decided to avoid him by walking up the stairs. He turns off the vacuum and looks at me.

Please don't look at me.

I'm a mess.

"Oh, Jaren?" He completely stopped me from going all the way up. I avoided all eye contact, I don't want him to see me like this. He already has enough on his plate.

"Hey, Dad, what's up?" I'm speaking to the wall at this point.

How pathetic of me.

"I have some great news! I'm going to be throwing you a birthday/graduation party next week and it's going to be pretty cool. You can invite all your friends and there will be lots of food and-what's wrong?" His sentence structure shifted dramatically as he noticed the melancholy vibe in the room.

It's crazy how parents have the strange ability to sense such things.

My dad is a superhero.

I wonder if he can save me.

"I think... I think-" The words struggled to form as I turned my head to look at him. I walked down the stairs slowly and made my way towards the couch.

"I might've broken up with John," I sit with my head in my hands. I groaned loudly with frustration, I am already regretting my decision.

"Oh no. What happened?"

"H-He said that he doesn't want to marry me in the future and-and he doesn't see us being together forever because forever is such a long time," I nearly wailed like a child, hysteria saturated my voice.

How pathetic can I be?

I believe I have no limit.

"And you think that's a good reason to end a stable relationship involving two people who love each other very much?" He scolded me, this wasn't the response I expected.

What does he know?

He divorced my mom because he felt like it.

Bitterness doesn't change anything.

"I don't know. He kind of gave me the impression that he doesn't love me and would rather have someone else in the future," I calmed down for a bit, realizing the way I'm acting is by far the most embarrassing.

"I think you got it wrong. I can assure you that is not the case," I looked at him, wiping away the excess tears rolling down my cheeks.

"What do you mean?"

He sighed "John loves you so much. Of course, he wants to be with you for the rest of his life and maybe it came off wrong but you need to understand that he's a teenager and he's not thinking about marriage or long-term goals for that matter,"

He has a good point and I can respect everything he's saying.

For some reason, I am still lost.

"I don't get it... Why would he say that he wouldn't want to be with me forever?"

"Maybe he's just overthinking as much as you are. I think it's not that big of a deal and you shouldn't break up with him just because he said something you didn't agree with. He doesn't know the future and you don't either. I suggest you go back over there and make things right before you actually lose him for good," I couldn't help but pull him in for a hug. He always gave the best advice though I hardly see him. I'm glad somebody can tell me how much of an idiot I really am. I know John loves me and I know he doesn't want to lose me.

I have to go back.

"Thank you so much..." I got up and hurried out, leaving the door open for no reason at all whatsoever.

"Anytime!"

As I sprinted up his stairs, I thought about all of the things I wanted to do to him. All I want to do is hold him and kiss him until I can prove how much I fucking desire him. I don't need anyone else and it shows.

He gives me feelings I can't put into words.

I stood there frozen in his doorway. The tears came along as soon as the sight of John's frail figure curled up under his blankets appeared in my field of vision.

What the fuck did I do?!

This is such a new low for both of us.

"Hey, John. Please tell me you're okay," I stepped closer towards his limp body, not too positive if he was sleeping or just ignoring me since he was unresponsive.

If anything, I deserved both.

"I'm sorry... I know you didn't mean it that way... I know you love me. I get insecure and I get worried, but that's only because I love you and don't want to lose you,"

Once again, no response. I laid alongside him, hesitant enough to even touch him. He's seemed to be in this position for a while, his breaths heavy and thorough. It seemed impossible for him to even be conscious, he's done knocked the fuck out.

"John? Are you awake?" I sat up and made my way to his nightstand, glancing at the lack of color and unhealthy thinning of his facial structure. He's always been a peaceful sleeper, I'd never been so hurt to see someone peacefully fall into deep slumber.

On top of the wooden surface was an opened bottle Lunesta, the sleeping capsules used to ease his insomnia. It seemed as if he took a potent dose of this and chose to sleep for the remainder of the afternoon. I presumed he wanted to avoid the pain I gave him.

I deserve death.

I checked for signs of overdosage; his pulse is steady, and his breath doesn't show any indication of shallowness.

John is simply sleeping.

I decided I should watch over him, just in case something bad happens. I don't know why I'm so worried, I know he's okay.

"John, I know you're in dreamland right now, probably fighting off zombies like a badass because even your dreams are as extraordinary as you are," I wrapped an arm around his waist, lightly pulling him closer to my chest. "I want you to understand that even when we fight and I metaphorically put up a wall, I want you to climb over it and show me that you still care," I accept he couldn't hear me, but I couldn't help but talk to him anyway.

"It's going to be okay. Everything is fine and I promise I will never leave you like that again,"

I watched him intensively until the sun came up the next morning.


	25. When the party's over

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning!

It was the perfect eighteenth birthday in every sense, and in all the ways only the universe can give. It was a summers night in April, the first-day blossom opened on the tree. It was there as I glanced at my living room, a mesmerizing sight of people who are proud to be seen with me, people who listen and care. The evening stretches ahead, a fantastic gathering with my best pals in the world, both of my parents, and John; the one who holds my heart in his hands.

I couldn't ask for a better life.

"Unpopular opinion: Halo 4 was such a bad game," Mason argued and I took a step back.

"Was not!"

"Was too!"

"Hey, kid," John completely interrupted our heated juvenile debate, leaning against the door frame with a smirk dancing across his face. His smile alone lured me in closer.

"Hey, babe," I watch him from across the crowded road, his dark ocean blue eyes never left mine. I stepped closer, wrapping my arms around his neck.

God, I love him.

"Here," He pulled out a Hallmark card from his pocket and handed it to me with a smile. "Happy birthday. You're gonna need it,"

He's so perfect.

I would be happy even if he didn't give me anything. I also wouldn't mind if nobody showed up.

All I need is him.

"Thank you so much. I love you,"

"I love you... So much," He hummed softly. Just one kiss and the world gave way. I heard a few 'oohs' and 'awes' from the guests before us, but I overlooked them altogether. Pulling me into my dark secluded hallway, he continued to hold me in such a strong embrace. It was slow and tender, soothing in ways that words would never be. He seems to be sappier than usual since we had that big fight.

"John? What's the matter?" He didn't respond. His hand rested below my ear, his thumb caressing my cheek as our breaths mingled. He ran his fingers down my spine, pulling me closer until there was no space left between us and I could feel the beating of his heart against my chest.

He glances at me once, puts his hand in my hair and smiles with blank eyes.

"Everything is okay. Stay put, I'll be right back," He murmured and I nodded. I assume he's coming back with something or someone.

And so I waited in the dark, gazing at the hanging forgotten family photos that lost their significance that moment I grew up. I know I could have passed the time in the living room where all my friends are at. Somehow, I felt the obligation to sit here instead.

Seconds turn into minutes and I already lost the ability to sit still. Every muscle felt tight, sprung for action and I couldn't even walk. My body screamed at me to sprint down the street, to spend the energy that kept piling in. Even my face felt tight, like smiling just wasn't an option today. My usual calm had been replaced by a carousel of thoughts, each one more worrying than the last.

Something doesn't seem right.

Something is definitely off.

I began my search in the living room where everyone conversated amongst themselves. There wasn't a single indication of him. My heart rate increased as I'm starting to have a bad feeling.

I'm not worried about anything specific per se but if I don't find him anytime soon, I'm going to actually have a panic attack.

At the corner of my eye, I can see Cam slouching on the sofa. His face contorted with terror as if he witnessed something so detrimental to the point where he avoided talking to people. He's usually a social butterfly, this is unusual behavior for him.

He is acting strangely as well.

Maybe he knows where John is at.

He knows him more than I do, apparently.

"Hey, Cam? Have you seen John around here recently?" He flinched as I snapped him out of his thoughts.

"U-Uh... I don't know," He trailed off. He peered around the room slowly as his eyes began to well up. I could already tell he was trying to deceive me.

"You know something. I can see it in your eyes," I took a step closer, trying my very best to not overwhelm him. He's already showing signs of disturbance.

What the actual hell is going on here?

"H-He... I think he went home for the night," He stammered and looked down toward his shoes.

That's it?

That's all he had to say?

I get it, John dissed me and doesn't want to see me for the rest of the night. It sucks, I know. However, I am not getting as to why Cam is overly flustered over it.

Devastated, perhaps.

I can get over it, I promise.

"Well... How rude, I guess but-"

"-No! Like... He doesn't want us to follow him. I'm... I'm scared, Smitty," He whispered towards the end of his sentence, his entire body internally shaking and tears rolled down his cheeks. He looked elsewhere, trying not to seem unsettled.

I'm lost.

Why is he scared?

John is fine.

He is... Okay.

Right?

My breathing quickened as I realized so much can be happening right now. My eyes widened.

Fuck.

"O-Oh!" I shouted, running out my front door as if I was in the middle of a house fire. The soles of my shoes stomped against the ground as I entered John's house with urgency. Cam followed shortly after, seeking in every room downstairs.

We looked insane, but we didn't care.

"Boys? What's going on in here?" I turned left to see Dana with a robe hanging off her shoulders, leaning against the wooden rails of the stairs. She seemed confused with her eyebrows narrowed.

"I-Is John in here?" I faltered as she frowned at me questionably. I needed an answer and fast.

I couldn't wait another second.

"He should be in his room, why?" She asked. I didn't answer her. Instead, both of us moved past her and sprinted down the pitch black hallway towards John's room.

His door was bolted. I made several attempts to kick the door down, I obviously didn't have the strength to do so. I may have sprained my ankle as a result.

"Let me try," Cam pushed me aside as if I was some piece of irrelevant trash.

Whatever, I don't have time to complain.

He harshly shoved his shoulder against the door once and he almost broke the door in half. He didn't move after that. I stood silently behind him, trying to see what was inside.

"Oh my god..." He choked. He turns to face me, but too slowly to be normal. When he spoke, his voice trails slowly, like his words are unwilling to take flight. There is a sadness in his eyes, the brown turned glossy.

What?

What did he see?

I made an effort to see what was going on but he blocked the doorway completely.

"Cam! Move out of the way!" I tried to pass him and placed his hand on my chest, preventing me from looking in. I pushed and I fought but he didn't seem to budge.

He's lucky he's tall and bulky enough to block the doorway.

"No... No, I won't let you go in there. I won't let you see this," The tears flowed immediately and I became severely concerned.

"Why not?!" I screamed in his face hastily as I felt the urge to punch him in the nose.

"Just... All I need for you to do is go downstairs and call for an ambulance. Tell Dana her son is upstairs and lifeless," He glares at me for a few short seconds before he slowly wanders into John's room, slamming it on me.

Lifeless...

John is... Lifeless?

Grief surged with every expelled breath. Tears began to spill from my helpless eyes onto the carpet below my feet. My gaze fell. At that moment, the sure knowledge that life would go on without him, that time was only stopped for me, undid me completely. I focused on the sweat that quickly soaked my skin.

John is...

"9-1-1, what's your emergency?"

"Please send an ambulance..."

"What's the problem, sir?"

"I... I think my boyfriend just attempted suicide,"


	26. Maybe we'll meet but maybe we won't

Breathe.

Just fucking breathe.

I rocked back and forth while my back rested against the wall. I sat in front of the other side of John's room as the paramedics began resuscitating him. I couldn't go in there, I never wanted to see him like this. But I know if I leave, I'll be even further away from him.

He hanged himself.

He fucking used a cord and hanged himself.

I think I'm going to be sick.

The unfortunate part of it all is the look on Dana's face. She was devastated but not surprised. She was more defeated than sad. This isn't John's first attempt but it is certainly his most successful.

The blood pounded in my ears. My heart thudded in my chest. My hands shook. My feet tingled. My vision disfigured as if I were looking through a fish-eye lens. I have to get away. I couldn't look at it. My hands are so tightly in fists that my nails dug into my palms.

Breathing was hard.

Really hard.

"Smitty, let's go outside. You're going to get sick," Cam lends me a hand, greeting me with an empty smile. I denied his request, understanding he doesn't need to fake a smile for me. I know he is fucked up on the inside.

"I am already sick, Cam," I cried harder, my chest growing tight as bile rose in my throat.

This is too much for me to handle.

I'm going to puke all over the carpet.

"Okay, let's go outside," He pulled me up without asking, allowing my mood to shift immediately.

I cannot fathom as to how fucking strong he is.

Fuck.

I practically limped towards John's front porch, noticing the amount party guests leaving due to the inconvenience of my boyfriend's impactful self-destruction.

I don't blame them.

I would get bored if someone I didn't care about went through something completely devasting as well.

Yeah, fuck them.

All that remained was Toby, Mason, Jay, and my parents. There was an uneasy vibe from everybody here, each and every one of them damaged to some degree.

However, Mason is... not okay.

Air finally entered my lungs as I walked around the neighborhood a bit. I still couldn't fully believe what was happening.

How could he do this to me?

It's my 18th birthday for fuck's sake.

Here I am, acting selfishly again.

I fucking hate this so much.

I look to my left and saw the paramedics wheeling John out of his house using a stretcher. Without hesitating, I hurried towards them to see if he's going to be okay.

"Dana? What's happening?" I asked with desperation as she glanced at me with sad eyes. She wiped her tears with her sleeves.

"They found a pulse. They need to take him to the emergency room to resuscitate him further," She wandered towards the truck where John is to be put into. I followed her, experiencing a mental blow to know John still has a chance.

There's still hope.

"Okay um... Can we ride with them?" I asked in regards to joining the paramedics until we get to the hospital. It seems rather spacious in there, I believe we can both fit.

"I think so... But we need to be fast,"

As we approached the men sliding the stretcher into the vehicle, we gestured our request to come with.

"Sorry. Only one person, eighteen and over," One of the paramedics stopped us and we both looked at each other. Dana grasped her purse and glimpsed at me with a smile.

"Go ahead. I'll meet you there," She gestured me to tag along and I shook my head. She should be in there with her son. She deserves more than I do. I don't understand why she's doing this. I pulled her in for a hug and squeezed tightly. She lets go and walks to her car.

A mother should never go through this no matter how many times it happened.

I still don't understand what's happening.

"I just turned eighteen, sir," I volunteered.

"Okay. Quickly now," I said as he pulled me in, immediately slamming the doors behind us.

I distracted myself by observing my surroundings. The roof lights were on a board anchored with old ropes and only one headlamp was in working order, winking into the night. Before I'd even remembered how to breathe right, I was inside next to John, the sound of his sharp shallow breathing lost under the roar of the diesel engine and the rattle of the make-shift trolley bed.

All I wanted to do was yell at him and tell him how much this hurts me. I want him to understand how much of a dick move this truly is. But then I saw his face, and I remembered all of the things we've been through. All of the kisses, the laughs, the dumb fucking fights.

Holding him is all I want to do.

He needs to know it's going to be okay.

I took a seat close near John's head as I caressed his cheek. His face grew grayer as they covered an oxygenated mask over his nose and mouth. Even the 'noose' remained loosely around his neck. It's revolting, I don't know why they didn't take it off. Averting my eyes from that awful image, I placed several gentle pecks on his clammy forehead. My eyes never left his limp frame.

It sucks that I love him so much.

Why did I have to fall so hard?

"Okay, bud. Where do we go from here?" I muttered, understanding John's unresponsiveness. It's not like he can hear me or anything. It's only something to pass the time.

"You make the decisions around here. Keep in mind that I'm not forcing you to stay but... I would like you to," The words seemed to strangle me as talking to a motionless John isn't helping anything. Salty drops fall from my eyes to my chin, drenching my shirt. I press my lips against his head for a second time. So pale, so innocent. I am anything but innocent. I'm trembling. I can't-can't stop. Even as I pressed my hand against him, he shakes. He trembles. It's raw, everything. Raw tears, raw emotions.

I can't stop...

I can't stop.

Why can I not stop crying?

Because I know if I lose him tonight, I will forever be haunted by the fact that he never said goodbye.

Do something, Jaren.

Anything.

"Who am I to walk in? I could've been and I could've stayed," I hummed inaudibly, receiving a few intent stares. I didn't care, this is the only way I can keep my sanity intact.

Do you blame me?

"Where am I after all these years? How could you die and why did I stay? After it all, where would I've been? Holding your hand... In the ambulance,"

Eventually, we would arrive at our destination with an urge. The paramedics, followed by a few residents, rushed John into the building. My heart raced and my hands were soaked with a mixture of tears and sweat. Corridor after corridor, tear after tear. This whole night was exhausting yet I was filled with elevating adrenaline.

"We can take it from here. Please, and thank you, sir," One of the nurses physically and mentally prevented me from entering any further as they kept going without me. I don't recall ever feeling so alone and fragile until now. This is a different kind of hopelessness. A detachment, perhaps.

Please, all I ask is to take care of my best friend.

It would be the best and worst birthday present.


	27. I've failed and lost this fight

_**11:45 p.m.** _

  
As I stared helplessly towards the blank white wall in front of me, I felt the tension and anxiety build up in me as I stared blankly, my mind full of emptiness. Minutes turned into hours and hours turned into what seems like decades of perpetual suffering. Before the panic could eat me alive, I managed to catch up on subtle breathing exercises which Dana recommended to help me relax

It doesn't fix anything.

Nothing seems to work anymore.

"Hey, Smitty. We heard about what happened. How is he?" I heard Craig's voice approach me to my right. I can't look at him, it doesn't help much. He leaves me to go hang out with the whole other group of friends and now he's back to bring me fake sympathy because he's obligated.

Can you not?

"I don't know... They're working on him right now," I responded quietly, my eyes never left the wall. I don't want to be cold and I don't want to be selfish. I do try my very best to keep things positive around here. But somehow, I couldn't find any reason to show Craig any appreciation towards his presence at the moment.

"I'm sorry about John, Smit. I really am," He hummed, patting my back. This somewhat triggered me with rage, bitterness and something I couldn't quite put my finger on. I stood up and faced him in one swift movement.

"No, you're not sorry. You hated him. I don't need your pity," My face inches away from his, I can detect the guilt manifesting in his eyes.

Perhaps I'm going a bit too far.

I don't care, I haven't had the opportunity to truly vent until now.

It feels great.

"Smitty, I'm your best friend–"

"–Best friend?! Best friend?" I disrupted him harshly as I was astonished by his response.

"Smitty, stop–" Toby tried to stop me but I couldn't help but cease this moment.

He needs to hear this, everyone does.

"–Craig, you left me! Where were you when my parents split? I don't recall you being there during the night of prom when I drove myself home alone in tears. You weren't there for my birthday party and you sure as hell will never be there for me if I god forbid lost the love of my life. I suggest you leave before I lose my fucking mind," I caused such a monumental scene in front of the people remaining in the waiting room. All eyes were on me and I couldn't feel more embarrassed. I loosened up after a bit, watching Craig glance at me once then leaving.

This whole thing wasn't supposed to happen.

I know I probably lost a good friend.

However, what I said wasn't a lie.

He deserves it, I'm sure.

**_2:33 a.m._ **

  
Pacing has become a new hobby for me during these unbearable hours. I wanted to leave the room in hopes I would find some fresh air but I know I would probably miss the chance to see John. Just as I regained my steady heartbeat by breathing in through the nose and out through the mouth, I could hear the familiar continual tap of a heel against the floor and my pulse rate shot up once again, upon realizing what was nearing.

While I desperately tried to regain my normal state, I saw the nurse peering at me and tapping her clipboard simultaneously. I stood up almost too quick, sending a sharp searing pain along my ankle as I painfully jerked my knee on the glass table in front of me while getting up.

Fuck.

"How is he? Is he going to be okay?" I questioned desperately as Dana followed shortly after.

"We have good news and we have bad news. We've managed to keep his vitals stable and his heart rate is doing well. His body seems to be reacting properly to the treatment," She elaborated with a smile and I couldn't feel more assured.

This is everything I wanted to hear.

"That's amazing news. He's going to be okay," I cheerfully pulled Dana in for a hug and she accepted.

"And this is where the bad news comes along. We had no other choice but to put him into a medically induced coma due to the oxygen deprivation to his brain and his severe low blood pressure. His pupils were unreactive to light and his nervous system is unresponsive. Though the remainder of his body seems to be in tip-top shape, his brain function is lacking. This is a fight he will have to win on his own. Meaning he is required to remain in the hospital until he awakes on his own," Though the words that came out from her flawlessly outlined lips were inaudible amidst the tense atmosphere, I could clearly understand what was awaiting me. The room felt almost non-existent as my mind filled with the million possibilities of what could go wrong during the night.

My poor friend.

"When can I see him?" A single tear flowed down my burning hot cheeks as my body begins shaking.

"You can visit him now," She replied with a reassuring smile, gesturing us to follow her lead. I couldn't tell by the blank expression on Dana's face as to how she was currently feeling. I assumed she was anything but joyous to hear her son may be brain-dead.

As we approached the slightly opened door of the room from which white light was pouring out through the crack, I find myself biting hard on my bottom lip, filling my mouth with the metallic taste of blood.

I never thought I would witness a hallway with such despair. They were for the most part crammed with patients on trolleys, some tended by strained relatives and some alone. Each of them lied on their back, strapped in–eyes toward the naked fluorescent tubes that flicker as though they are on their last legs.

This view wasn't helping.

We finally reached the door, brown and dull like all the others, but I can already see people inside.

"In this room," The nurse smiles kindly and opens the door wider. Doctors and nurses surrounded his hospital bed, attaching IVs, heart monitors, and oxygen tanks to him. He became increasingly pale since the ambulance. I decided to explore the room while the other people are still crowded around him. An old TV set hangs from the ceiling. A window giving me a view of the world below was just beneath the screen. In the corner are two chairs, frayed with wear and tear. It was a typical hospital room, sparse and functional. I sat next to John and stared dejectedly up at the ceiling.

"Can we please have a moment alone with him?" I asked the doctors politely, nodding before completely clearing the room. It was only me, Dana, and an unconscious John, who rested with such beauty on that excuse for a hospital bed. Dana pecks his forehead once as she caresses his hand with her thumb. She hummed a song softly and continued to comfort him.

No mother should ever have to fear for her son's life.

"Hey, John... I..." I stopped speaking completely as I noticed how meaningless my words are. There's genuinely no use in vocalizing anymore. Instead, I put his hand in mine, flinching as he was bitterly cold to the touch.

"Oh my god, babe. You're frozen," I covered him with the remainder of his duvet. I felt the urge to join him on the bed and warm him up in my hold.

I mean, why not?

What could possibly go wrong?

Without asking, I carefully climbed on, avoiding any cords attached to him. Pulling him closer, I brushed a strand of light blonde hair away from his face.

This is how it should be and this is what life is. Expressing all the love you can give when everything else crumbles down. He's so beautiful, I have never known anyone so wonderful in my life until I met John. There are no words to prove how much I adore him, unconscious or not.

"When you can't look on the bright side, know that I will sit with you in the dark. Don't worry, I'm not mad. It's okay because I'd rather have bad times with you, than good times with someone else. I'd rather be beside you in a storm, than safe and warm by myself. I'd rather have hard times together than to have it easy apart. I'd rather have the one who holds my every last bit of existence," I rested my head against his chest, his heart rate steady and slow was in sync with the monitor before us. Dana continued to hum silently.

"I wish I could explain your skin, and how the sound of your voice interrupts my anxiety. How your smile makes my heart skip a beat and how every time I'm with you, I feel so..." Words became impossible as I broke down hysterically in tears. I didn't want to display sorrow in front of John and Dana, I don't want to make things worse. But somehow, I couldn't hold it back. He's so precious to me and I would die if I ever lost him.

"I'm sorry, John. I'm sorry that you felt alone. And I-" A gut-wrenching cry interrupted me as I clutched the sheet tightly. I looked pathetic but I didn't care. This means so much to me and I don't think I will be able to overcome such fear. "I'm sorry for not doing enough. I'm sorry for not being enough. I promise I will never neglect you again..."

After babbling and releasing all of my pathetic anguish, I laid there silently against the blue-lipped boy. My eyes became heavy and my body grew limper, I could fall asleep at this very moment. Being with John is the only way I can experience slumber. There was no other sound in the room but the monitors beeping and the IV fluids dripping.

"Sir, we apologize for the interruption but it's time to go home," In the midst of sharing a beloved heartfelt moment with the man I love, the nurse had to walk in with both of my parents alongside her. My head screamed at me to stay.

Why would they ever feel the need to discontinue such a significant moment?

"I don't wanna go home... Please don't make me–"

"–Please clear the room. Don't worry, we'll take care of him," She tried to reassure me but nothing reassuring was happening. The dread, I can feel it building like an unstoppable snowball in the pit of my stomach.

"Come on, son. Let's go home," My father lent me a hand and I refused. My heart starting to beat harder and faster as my adrenaline levels rise.

I can't leave him.

Not again.

"No, dad. Please tell her I wanna stay!" My brain begins to fire out negative thoughts like a machine gun. As sweat starts to happen all over the body. The contradictory thoughts keep coming as the arguments in my head get so fast and so disturbing that my brain shuts down my body. The sweat has completely covered my body and my heart feels like it's going to explode.

"Let's go, Jaren! I'll take you to go see him tomorrow," My father demanded, understanding I lost this battle. Before I did as they said, I planted a few light kisses against John's cold lips.

This is a moment I will forever savor, regardless of the outcome.

"I love you, Johnathan Keyes. Goodnight,"


	28. The third of May

"This is why he didn't want to marry me,"

"This is why he fucking dropped out of school,"

In the days since John's suicide attempt, insomnia has been the asshole that won't quit. It's mainly because I find it difficult to sleep alone, especially since I'm so used to him laying by my side for so long. I feel so empty, unbearably isolated.

No one to touch.

No one to say goodnight to.

No one to hold.

Thankfully, I've managed to discover ways to pass the time. I can either lie in my bed and conversate with myself like a lunatic, or I can get up and make myself useful. Sometimes I'd curl up in my pajamas with my laptop and distract myself. Other times I would grab my guitar and jot down lyrics until the tips my fingers throbbed.

I practically have five total songs written down.

I mean, if I'm going to die early from never sleeping enough I figure I should make the most of my time.

Time has taken on a different form, more fucked up than it ever was, providing more quiet moments to think back on life. He was my refuge, my soulmate, a place to call home no matter where we were. In all these wakeful hours, he was fading and beneath it, all was a shock I can't quite let surface.

Every time sleep comes close, my worst nightmare solidifies, hope evaporates and the sick feeling returns to feast on my insides.

It was 2:30 in the morning and both my parents walked into my room, appearing expectant. I perched up slowly, wincing towards aches and pains sprawled out in my body. I overlooked it.

"Jaren? Are you awake?" My mother cooed with a smile dancing across her face. I sit here wondering why they were awake during this time. It isn't normal for them to stay up this late unless something happened.

"Yeah, I'm always up. Why?" I asked.

"Dana called," My dad responded softly as his head hung low. I stood up swiftly, nearly falling out of my bed.

"Is he awake?" I practically gushed with excitement as I felt hopeful again. I basically wrote an entire album based off of him and I would love for him to hear it. But instead, they paused and stared at each other for a brief moment. They both took a seat and explained to me that sometimes we go through things that we won't be able to understand during the time and everything good and bad happens for a reason.

Then they broke the news to me.

On May 3rd, Johnathan Keyes died during intensive care with his mother by his side. Due to lack of oxygen, his brain died before the rest of him did. This comes to show you need your mind more than you need anything else, despite how much it torments you on the daily.

My whole world turned into a blur, and so did all the sounds. The taste. The scent. Everything was just gone. I paused, trying to hold back emotions like I always did but somehow I couldn't. A single tear traced down my cheek, and just like that, I was on the floor before my parents could catch me. So many relentless tears burst forth, spilling down my face. My chin trembled as if I was a small child. I breathed heavier than I ever had before. I was gasping for air that simply wasn't there. My throat burned to form a silent scream.

You can always predict the end but you can never prepare yourself for such a disconnected response. And I know I say this every time I get fucked over but this is truly a different kind of hurt. And when I say it, I mean it this time. I felt more separated then sad. It's so hard to explain because it's not an emotion, it's an anti-emotion. It was unbearable, the whole thing. Every millisecond worse than the last.

My poor friend...

Everything that we have been through has faded and lost all its precious merit. In these monumentally depressing days, all I wanted to do was call him and tell him to come over to help me mourn and wallow in my own misery. I wondered what would happen if I did dial him. Would he answer? If he did, what would he say? And the most tragic realization of it all is there was no one left to call, no one left to talk to.

No one left to tell me 'it's going to be okay' during a heated anxiety attack.

Even his funeral was an oxymoron. The sun shone radiantly and the virescent color of the spring day under its glare was offensively bright and cheerful. It was as if the fucking weather conspired to show me how the world would go on without him. It shouldn't. Everything should be as grey and foggy as my emotions, it should be cold and damp with silent air. But the birds still sang and the flowers still bloomed.

I stood there alone, realizing a large number of people who came here for John. The numbers were impressive, too many faces to count, and some I couldn't recognize. There had to have been over forty people here, but I can be mistaken.

John lived a short eighteen years and somehow managed to impact these many people in his life.

I couldn't feel more gratified.

I walked through the churchyard like a silhouette of myself. In the palm of my hand were his twelve unique and elegant rings he once wore during the days of his life. The doctors advised me to hold on to them while they revived him and charged his heartbeat with an AED. These bands had his scent and his natural oils remained on the inner surface of them.

It was like he was still here.

As I took a seat on a pew near the front, the long-held back tears began to flow. I was not ashamed. I loved him. Now he was gone, a light had been extinguished permanently within me. I sat in my silent grief and awaited the start of the funeral service.

I couldn't wrap my mind around as to why they had an open casket funeral. This upset me and it made everything worse for me. However I realize that everything shouldn't be about me, this was his mother's idea. I respect everything she does.

Standing before the sleeping boy's casket, I felt my body tremble. I never wanted to see him like this. I urged to make him smile and laugh the way he did before, but everyone said it was part of letting go. He laid in the casket, tucked in comfortably as if it mattered. There was no greyness, simply a lack of the usual pink in his cheeks. My hand found his without thinking and recoiled just as fast-so cold. I wasn't sure if this was considered disrespectful but I slid a ring on to each individual finger. He always said he wanted to be buried with these rings, I'm only respecting his wishes.

I stood on the platform behind John's casket, feeling more stage fright than grief. Of course, I didn't have a eulogy prepared, I didn't have the strength to leave my bedroom until this morning. I glanced beneath me and sighed. It wasn't him at all, just his body. He was gone. I expected to cry yet in truth I felt nothing at all, felt as if I'd never feel anything ever again.

"Loving John is the most beautiful and wonderful thing to do in this world. I've always been known to live the most unextraordinary life ever lived. All I would do is play video games and ramble on about the nerdiest of things that would come to mind. And then he came along, and my life was relevant again..." I continued babbling on the good times and all of the things he did for others. He is undoubtedly the best person I've ever known and deserves all the positive recognition he can get. Letting people in on the things we did together allow the guests to share a laugh and a cry but mostly a smile. You can find Dana giggling in the front row with her eyes crinkled at the corners.

Meanwhile, at the cemetery, my eyes remained partially shut the entire time. I couldn't bear to watch the love of my life descend into the ground. That would be the equivalent of dragging a butter knife across my neck to decapitate me. I long to be like him and lie cold in the ground. There's room inside for two, I wouldn't mind being in there with him.

And the day remained clear and green. All this beauty over everything dead and here I am to add to it with a bunch of roses in my gloved hand. I pause, my breath rising in visible puffs, wanting to go home and grieve under the covers because it was somewhat chilly out today. Then I remembered why I came. I'm not here for anyone else, not really. I'm here for closure. I have questions that require an answer and will close the gap between us for a moment, and in that brief window of time, I will feel his love again.

I need to know why he did it and there is only one person who can potentially clear things up.

"Cam, I do have one question," I tapped on his shoulder as we wondered from John's gravesite. His eyes bloodshot red and his lips swollen.

"S-Sure, anything," His speech cracked as he tucked his hands into his jacket pocket. I was annoyed and empty, I deserve to know.

"Why did he do it?" I muttered as my hands turned into tight fists. He was taken aback by my question, understanding he may be without ease.

"Why are you asking me? I know as much as you do," He retaliated, and I felt the bitterness swelling within me.

Bullshit.

Cam knows everything.

"That's horseshit and you know it. You understood him more than I did, okay? I am mourning and aching right now and right now I demand answers-"

"-Did you read the card?" He interrupted me and I stared at him with uncertainty. I expected him to fight me in front of everyone but now I'm not sure what to think.

"What card?" I urged.

"The one John gave you for your birthday. He told me everything you need to know is in there," As the words begin to pour out of his mouth, my eyes grew wider. I remember I've always been the worst at opening cards during special occasions such as birthdays and holidays but the fact that John did leave something behind, it changes everything. He couldn't have left without a trace.

My heart stopped.

"Oh my god, I-" My perception was all over the place-the grave, my parents, and then Cam. I know I couldn't stay here any longer. "I have to go. Tell my dad I'm going home," I then left without another word.

Tears blinded me as I turned, running as quickly as my legs can carry me, bolting down the neglected pavement like there was no tomorrow. Quickening my pace to an all-out sprint, the pounding noise of my dress shoes resonating off the walls of the alley with a clanging echo that matched my heart pulsating inside my chest with the thick grief and suspense I felt as I ran.

I arrived at my house and hurried upstairs. Approaching my room, I finally recognized the mess I have made within the past week. I impatiently searched and chucked every clothing and object in my way,

"Where the fuck is it?!" I groaned with difficulty as my actions became frantic. I must know the things he said.

Eventually, I would find the simplistic taped piece of paper underneath my bed. I removed the strip of tape quickly as there was a twenty dollar bill attached to the interior followed by a white piece of paper folded into four. I opened it and instantly felt my heart slump as John's handwriting was in front of me.

"To whom this may concern..."


	29. Epilogue

"My fellow graduates, it is an honor for me to be your valedictorian this year. During high school, I didn't have the best grades and my learning skills were lacking. I doubted myself for so long and I didn't think I was going to make it. Most people ask me, 'how did you get valedictorian and who was your motivation to keep going?' If it wasn't for my dad, I wouldn't have attended this beautiful school of research. But the only reason why I didn't quit was thanks to this one special person. Most people knew him but many didn't understand him. His name was John Keyes and he, unfortunately, committed suicide during the time of my eighteenth birthday. Every day I would read this letter he wrote to me as a motivator to keep going,"

_I'm sorry, I'm sorry, forgive me..._

_Let me tell you a little story to kind of ease the emotions you are feeling right now..._ _Stars are a lot like people. Each night you will notice a different constellation which may benefit the ones aligned in that certain formation. In many cases when a star experiences its supernova, numerous stars and nearby planets are minor if not majorly affected by these episodic bursts of mass._

 

_However, it is unlikely for one significant supernova to affect the entire universe. Every individual star will remain continuously the same until their supernova comes around and begins the cycle of saying goodbye to what was always known to them._

_The human race seems to always excel at ignoring the pent-up mass growing inside of us every day. Though we may come off as 'okay' or 'fine', deep down inside we are overwhelmed with the wreckage that demands release. That shows even the stars can be hollow._

_Thankfully, I didn't have to go it alone._

_I guess you can say though we are far apart, you and I are living in our own constellation. Just the two of us, adding to it and eliminating the faulty masses building within us no matter what happens._

_On a non-astronomical related topic, I suspect you were able to comprehend the joy I felt when I was around you. You were the only one keeping me alive and I only breathed because of you. Anything to make you happy is what I lived for._

_God... I know I didn't say this often but I love you. You know that I love_ _you_ _, and I love you so fucking much. I feel so lucky to have loved you and I feel amazed at the fact that you loved me too. That you didn't want anyone else but me._

_I'm sorry I didn't get to properly say goodbye to you. I'm sorry I had to leave you behind. I'm sorry for not marrying you. You've always deserved so much better than what I gave you._

_But Smitty, this is my escape. After knowing I helped you succeed in finding your ultimate happiness, I realized it's time for me to fulfill my 'unfulfilled desires'._

_This is not your fault, trust me. You knew this would happen eventually. All the signs were there. But that's okay if you never noticed. I wanted to distract you from all the bad. Because of all the things you deserve in this world are good things and you know that too._

_I don't know how to end this. I don't know how to end everything we had. I don't know how to say goodbye to you, Jaren. The only thing I ask of you is to keep going not only for yourself but for the both of us. You have so much potential and deserve the best in life. You're going to make it one day, I can assure you._

_I'm only sleeping and I promise, I will wake up, and you'll be there to see it._

_So for now, it's time to say goodnight to my best friend._

_Love you, dummy._

_-John "Idiot" Keyes_

  
"I love you too, dummy,"


End file.
